Tuesday, December 31, 2013

A Little Fear Might Help

Once again I have fallen off the map and haven't been writing regularly.  The Christmas holiday has been a busy one and a hard one.  What can make abstaining from exercising harder than holiday get-togethers with lots of different foods prepared by other people (many who don't share the same love for real foods) and different eating times than those that exist in my normal routine?  (Interjection here - the love of routine is probably one of my problems!)  Needless to say, these things intensified the struggle and I had a few BAD days.  I am scared to know how much I gained in such a short time.  It just makes it worse knowing that I ate more "bad" foods than normal...by that I mean foods other than "whole" foods which likely contain a lot of artificial stuff and refined sugar.  I have to be careful, though, because in the past I have seen myself change from restricting to being overly obsessed with food quality to where I never wanted to eat any one else's food and could not, under an circumstances, eat anything from a package even if it was organic.  That is just another of the ugly faces of an eating disorder...which I have learned can manifest itself in many different ways.  You feel you have recovered from disordered eating and in actuality, it just attached to another obsession (i.e. eating only natural/organic/whole). There has got to be balance. Moderation. 

My title seems to inaccurately describe my post thus far, but I am getting there. I do a lot of reading on anorexia athletica (exercise compulsion) and eating disorders.  Side note: In the list of "you may have anorexia athletica/over-exercise if..." I check every one.  I sent it to my husband and he said that it describes me to a "T."  Anyways, back to the point...SO in my reading, I have seen the various consequences of these disorders. Everything points out that the damage is not only that which is obvious, but there is damage done to the organs that are not so obvious, but these are the most detrimental.  I have read how it causes muscular atrophy as the body feeds on itself and this has been obvious especially when I combined intense workouts with nursing while not recognizing the immense amount of calories all of that calls for. Over time, I have lost a lot of inches of muscle.  However, as stated in one article, the heart is a muscle as well which means it is just as likely to be affected.  Through many articles, I have seen that overexercising and not taking in adequate calories can cause the wall of the heart to thin, arrythmic heart beat, low heart rate and blood pressure and on and on....not to mention, hormonal imbalance and not enough estrogen can also cause damage to the heart.  Now that that has been said, I should mention that I have had several "episodes" since college.  The few in college involved shaking, briefly losing consciousness and being disoriented.  Since graduating college, the episodes got worse.  One day at work before having my baby, I felt very sick for a few minutes and the next thing I knew, people were gathered around me and I was trying to remember where I was.  They called 911.  When the ambulance got there, the paramedics had to give me something to speed my heart up because I was bradycardic.  My blood pressure was also very low.  This happened another time when I was sick.  It also happened 6 days after my baby was born which was the only other time I went to the ER.  Once again, we saw a very low blood pressure.  We have never been able to figure out what caused these episodes.  Well the Saturday night after Christmas, I woke up because my wrist was hurting something terrible. I told my husband.  He said I asked for crackers and advil and when he came back I was disoriented.  I just remember him hollering my name.  I sat up feeling very sick.  After several minutes, I felt better but freezing cold.  All of these symptoms point to a very low blood pressure.  Blood was not getting to my wrist.  There wasn't enough oxygen getting to my brain.  The poor circulation made me really cold.  Now I look back at all of these episodes and feel certain I know what caused them.  It is quite terrifying.  I am scared that I have damaged my heart and can only pray that the damage can be reversed through recovery.

During the string of days of wanting to give up because I feel fat and because I see other people working out, I am reminded that it is most important for my health and my family that I take care of this problem.  It is important for my walk with Christ to be free from bondage.  It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing or thinking. It isn't about them. 

Although fear isn't always a good thing, I guess I will take whatever will motivate me another day because I can go from a good, motivated day to a day of wanting to quit...just like that.  I forget so easily which makes pressing on hard sometimes.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Give Yourself Up to God

           So I haven't written in a while for two reasons: 1. I have not had time. 2. I feel like, some days, all I have to say is negative stuff because I feel yuck.

That being said, let us start with some catch-up.  Yesterday was day 24...the last day of the Bible study.  When I felt God's guidance in committing that time period to the Bible study with zero exercising, I was bummed but too scared to ignore Him.  While I knew that I did not need to anticipate the end of this exercise abstinence, I did catch myself loosely planning what my work outs would look like since the heart pounding intense stuff are off limits.  Little did I know, a bomb would be dropped on me a week out from the end of the study.  Through a couple of avenues, I was shown that 24 days is not enough.  The first loving declaration of my need to further this extreme (to me, no exercise at all is extreme) phase of healing made me irate.  Then after the conversation was over, I felt that the words had made their way to my heart which made me even angrier.  The next day, I spoke with someone who honestly is the most godly woman I know.  It was almost as if she was pleading for my life. It reminded me of the gravity of the situation and how I have no choice but to fervently and urgently strive for victory over it.  She told me the same thing - I can't just go back after 24 days...I can't afford to go there until this sin problem has been put to death and even then, my exercise regimen will likely never look anything even close to what it did.  As she spoke, I knew that all she said was true and right.  I am not going to lie, though, I felt like the biggest rainstorm was falling on my parade.  God has convicted me in this area before.  The last time was a few years ago and I did take steps by seeing a dietician and a therapist who stamped me with an eating disorder label so fast it made my head spin.  Apparently, I dropped the ball along the way.  I was serious about the healing, but I know I did what I thought would be enough without pushing the envelop and would have never ventured to the land of non-exercise.  Maybe I also became so consumed with the physical side of it that I quit seeing the most detrimental part which was the sin part of it - the heart of the problem.  Flash forward to this time and I have known for a long time that my body needed healing so I could become pregnant again and my husband and my mom have both pleaded for me to gain weight.  I did try to gain weight, but there is a difference in trying and pursuing an outcome with desperation.  However, when God started convicting me again, I KNEW that this time was more serious.  As I have said before, I don't think I had ever experienced such a heavy, restricting, suffocating conviction in my life.  I know that God means business and that this is likely it for me...my last chance to stand up and fight against the devil and his stronghold on me.  If I don't, God's plan will come to fruition and He would likely lay a big dose of humility on me in a way that I would not want.  So since I know in my heart that this is serious and that I am engaged in a spiritual WAR, I am treading on down this painful path in the faith that I will be delivered; the enemy will get off my back; and I will fulfill my purpose.  I have faith that I will have more babies. On my own. No intervention. I really feel that fertility treatments would not even be successful another time around because God has shown me what is necessary.  Here I am now, not knowing what is next...not knowing when I will be able to pop in an exercise video or swipe my key at the gym.  Maybe I can't exercise until I get to the point that I don't care whether I do or not...or maybe it is until a day without exercise doesn't make me feel like a hippo...or when this doesn't hurt anymore and I don't care what people think.  Hypothetically, let us say that I don't exercise for a long time, so then what does that mean for diet??  At what point can I quit eating to gain?  When can I quit gaining and when will my body be healed enough to run off of hunger cues rather than schedule or a meal plan?  There are so many ?'s and no one can give me the answers.  I am a planner.  I don't like the unknown.  I am a question asker and an answer seeker.  I am an analyzer.  I am lost here. I am painfully lost and feel pretty fluffy while fumbling around with this blindfold on.

Another thing I don't understand is how I have gotten down to my lowest weight this time around but look bigger than I did in the past.  I can look back at when I was seeing the dietician and see that at one point I was skinny.  Why do I look bigger now at an even lower weight?  Will I ever know if I see myself correctly?  I think I do, but my husband tells me I don't.  This is confusing.

My best friend sent me a Bible study the other day.  She literally took pictures of every page and emailed it to me.  She knew what I needed and she was right.  I felt like Beth Moore had written that specific chapter especially for me.  Below I will write out a few quotes that stood out.  I have also typed out some of the prayers to tape around the house.  I read the nine pages and was so encouraged and motivated.  It was a great morning, followed by a very low low.  That baffled me, but as I was reminded how the devil previously could leave me on my own because I was not seeking freedom, it makes sense that he will attack each time I take a step forward.  He does not want me to be free from bondage, fulfill my purpose, and he definitely does not want my husband and I to bear more children.  The more godly seed brought up in this world increases the army of Christ and thwarts Satan's plans (as if his plans mean anything in the first place.)  I just wonder, though, if each step forward leads to my falling down two steps, will I ever reach the top?

"The Peace of God is distant when we refuse to bow a part of our lives to His rule.  Christ brings His peace where He is Prince."

I have refused to bow this part of my life to Him and have not found peace no matter my size, weight or body fat.  I want Him to be Prince of my life...not just the parts I don't care to let go.  I guess I have felt that I can do a better job with this part so I have kept it and tried to control it only to be unhappy and unsatisfied and infertile.

"Our physical bodies are gifts from God, gut when they control us, the result is bondage."

Living testimony right here...

"Through the might of His Holy Spirit released through the authority of his Word, we are empowered to say no to the things we should - to our excesses, withholdings, compulsions and harmful consumptions - and say yes to freedom, moderation, and better health."


"Give yourself up to God, to the authority of His Holy Spirit."

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Feeling Scatterbrained

I have a lot tossing around in my head right now so I will apologize in advance for the rambling that is about to take place.  Through conversations over the past couple of days, my mind has gone off on several different trains of thought.  I will start with one and see how it goes.  

I was thinking about the concept of letting go.  God does not want me to be in bondage and if I am, it is because I am keeping myself there.  He is big enough to free me from it, but He isn't going to if I am unwilling...which circles back to my need to let go.  Through abstaining from exercise for the time of the Bible study while still eating gobs of food, I appear to have let go.  However, all of this is so hard which is evidence that I am not freed from it so I must still be hanging on.  Then I wonder if I am doing something wrong.  Is there something that I am missing or is letting go just a process?  Is it one of those things that you have to choose to let go by actions first and the rest will eventually follow??  My mind has been programmed to think this way and I know that it will take a while to re-program it.  This will be quite a challenge in this world that we live in.  Society views weight gain as a negative thing so I can't shake the guilt of purposely gaining weight.  Furthermore, I am surrounded by people (tv, real life, magazines) who are all trying to be skinnier and fitter.  It is obvious that the majority of the world puts too much value in these things.  Being around this is not good for me.  For instance, a sober alcoholic cannot go to a bar or hang out with friends who are drinking.  It is not good for him/her and will only make things harder.  I need to surround myself with godly women, especially mommies. Honestly, there are not very many that I know that are really trying to live out what the Bible says about being a godly mother and that put value in the right places.  I do desire to be one of those women, though.  At the same time, I find myself caring what the rest of the population thinks...the people who have misconstrued views of what is important.  I don't know why I care.  Maybe partly it saddens me because I see that they are misguided as I have been for so very long.  On the other hand, I think I care because of that little fleshly trait called pride.  As I have eluded to in other posts, I was once one of those girls in the gym that had a very muscular and lean physique.  That was college.  I am no longer in college. I am not that person anymore and no one views me that way.   It takes a whole lot of time and dedication to be that, and while I have all of the dedication one would need, time I do not have.  I would have to attend the gym to lift multiple times a week, every week.  I cannot do this.  I have a child and I am not going to leave him in gym day care.  I am not saying there is anything wrong with gym day care; but I am saying that things specific to my child and specific to me as a parent have made me decide that I will not do it.  If I decide I am comfortable with it when he gets older, I will probably have another small one that I won't leave there.  My parenting choices are another subject so moving on...SO if I won't leave him in daycare and my husband can only watch him for me to go once a week (only most weeks) and my mom lives too far away then going to the gym that often is not feasible.  Then there comes the strict diet I would have to be on to put on the muscle.  By strict, I mean enough calories to feed my baby, sustain me and then put on muscle...and even then I would be back in the same boat because where is the fuel for things like a reproductive cycle?? I believe I have made my point.  I am at a different place in my life that demands different things if I want to be the godly mother God has called me to be.  I am no longer the girl I was in college, not physically or spiritually.  Being the over compensator that I am, when I saw I couldn't gain back the muscle and maintain it, I shifted to intense workouts with high rep lifting which are things I can do at home.  I traded muscular and lean for skinny and lean.  While I am abstaining from exercising, it is so tempting to compensate again with my fall back area - eating.  I would like to restrict, but I can't.  When I look back at all of this, I see myself as someone who is so confused.  It is like I am blind folded and grasping for whatever I can control.  I am holding on to the idea of the fit person I used to be.  I have over-trained myself to unhealthy status so an idea is all it is.  I have to give up that idea.  I need to do what I need to do to be healthy. I need to be a godly woman who can enjoy moderate exercise to be healthy without taking it to extremes or valuing it too greatly.  Who know...maybe the results won't be so bad.  If I suck it up and just get there, maybe I won't hate what I see plus I will be a lot happier...Just maybe...

Random thought: Since when did healthy become a bad thing?

It was suggested to me that I fill out index cards with truths to read to combat those thoughts that are so programmed in my head.  Please share with me if you have any.  It can be a Bible verse, a quote or even some of your own wisdom.  I need help with this!!

Saturday, December 7, 2013

A Good Steward of My Time

...is what I want to be.  As I was reading my Bible study this morning, I really got to thinking about this.  I am very "anal" as some would say and this extends beyond exercising. For instance, I think that I should mop at least every other day.  I will be all stressed and act like it is so critical that I clean house again and my husband will say, "You just did all of that yesterday.  You don't HAVE to do anything." Which I respond with "Oh, but I do."  But really...do I?  I have made new goals that maybe I just full-blown clean once or twice a week and the other days just worry about maintenance (i.e. clean kitchen, pick-up, laundry).  I have felt guilty about this but as I read my lesson this morning I don't feel that I should feel bad at all.  My baby will be a baby for such a short time.  It won't be too long before when a song is heard, he won't automatically start dancing that preciously adorable dance that he does.  He won't long for mommy to be right there with him playing.  He won't always laugh when I play peek-a-boo or put a toy on my head.  Once he grows up passed these things, we can never go back.  Years down the road, I won't be able to decide that today I will play with him or dance with him in my arms.  At that time though, the house will still need to be cleaned and there will be more laundry to do.  I don't want to miss these times with my baby.  I want to drink them in and absorb them fully.  I don't want to look back on this season of my life and realize I wasted many opportunities to enjoy my son.  The memory of a clean house would never be so sweet as the memories made with my son.   I think I will go by what the author says in my book.  This is paraphrased but basically she said to do what has to be done and then let the rest wait.  Enjoy your babies and make happy memories with them and for them.  It is my job to be a mommy and create a joyous atmosphere is my house.  I love being a mommy!!

...and don't judge my Christmas tree those of you who will see it.  I have a one year old.  I enjoy seeing his face light up when looking at the tree and as he reaches for a ball.  I don't want to taint the next three weeks with "NO'S" and spankings in order to have a beautifully decorated tree.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Today is Friday

and it isn't any easier.  As a matter of fact, it is really hard right now.  I don't even want to write about it but maybe writing through some things will help.

It is weird to me that I don't even have to look in the mirror or step on the scale for my self esteem to take a huge blow.  When I don't work out, I automatically "feel" myself getting softer.  I feel so blah.  On top of that, my continuing to eat 2,500+ calories causes me to "feel" the weight gain coming at an alarming rate.  I don't even have to look in the mirror to know things are changing...I can "feel" it.  Even if I did look in the mirror to assess the situation, it would already be in my mind what I would see and that is what I would see.  Notice I put "feel" in quotation marks.  Why did I do that? Well because I don't know what is real anymore other than how I feel.  The way I feel is real to me which is why no matter how many times I hear otherwise, I can't believe it.  My feelings are the most real so I can find an explanation for any contradicting thing that I hear.

When I know that I have eaten more that my energy needs (refraining from using the word "overeat"), then I feel bad about myself.  If you have ever wondered how anyone can restrict, let me tell you.  In the past, if at the end of the day I could go over what I ate in my mind and know that I ate less than the day before, then I would consider myself as having done "good."  I would be very proud of this.  I would congratulate myself for being disciplined. While when I eat like I am now, I go to bed at the end of the day just wanting to forget about it because I feel disgusting.  I know I need to eat this much to heal.  I know this is good for me.  I surely don't feel like it though...which leads me back to the desire to see the fruits of this effort.  It seems as if this time of no exercise/eating more is punishment of some sort.  I know I have got to do this.  I know it was God that led me to make this step.  I just feel like it is a time of "breaking" me.  Maybe that is the point.  Maybe God is having to "break" me down in order to heal me. 

I know that this post showcases once again my struggles with pride and vanity.  I know that God's word is REAL so shouldn't that cancel out those "feelings" I vented about?  Furthermore, it is apparent that I am being pretty impatient.  I have 13 years of living like this and I want God to show me fruits after 2 weeks of effort when if I had listened to Him long ago then none of this would have even been necessary.  I act like I deserve to see positive effects...that I deserve healing.  I don't. I am thankful God doesn't give me what I deserve because it would not be pretty.  That being said, although I deserve nothing that is good, I KNOW that God is going to heal me.  I need to just be patient and let Him do it on His time.  Why can't I just trust His timing and feel good about the changes in the meantime?  Pray I get there.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

I am trying to be postitive...

but I am not going to lie, it is hard.  This is why I didn't post at all yesterday.  I knew I would sound like a broken record.  I know people get tired of hearing it, but to be fair, no one can be as tired of hearing it as I am of feeling this way.  I just wonder why it is getting harder every day at this point?  Will that change directions at some point, and if so, when??  I feel pretty bad about myself. I try to avoid the mirror.  I do not like this feeling of not having control.  I feel very scared and panicky.  Yes, I could go on about what I don't like about all of this, but today I want to think of what I DO like.

Prior to the past 9 days, I would nurse my toodlebug around 3:30ish AM, give or take.  I would wait until he went back to sleep and I would sneak up.  I knew that if I wanted to be positive I got to work out then I needed to right then.  I would eat a bite, work out and then be rushed to get a shower before he woke up.  My mornings were very rushed which is silly because most days we didn't (and don't) even go anywhere. If you know me well, you know that I HATE feeling rushed or like there is not enough time.  This makes me ILL.  Often my baby boy would wake up in the middle of my workout.  I would pause my video which caused much frustration.  I really dislike any breaks during a workout that allows my heart rate to drop.  However, I did what I must and I truly did (and always do) SO enjoy lying there with him so much that I would not want to get up.  Of course, I did though.  As soon as he drifted back to sleep, I would sneak up again.  Each morning I did this no matter how tired I was.  Many mornings I would be exhausted from no sleep and my body would feel dead tired or it might would still be sore from the workout I did many days before.  This was my cue to rest or to do an easier workout that day.  I refused to take the cues and continued to push my body. 

What about the past 9 days?  I feel no need to struggle to keep my eyes open during the 3:30 feeding.  I drift back to sleep with him and then get up when I wake again.  So far that has never been later than 5:00, and is usually closer to 4:00 or 4:30 but I actually feel like I have slept in.  He has had several days that he has woke up earlier than normal.  I (JOYFULLY not frustrated) rush into the room when I hear him awaking and will try to get him back to sleep if it is way early but if he doesn't seem interested, then we start playing earlier than normal.  As you know, I have been replacing my workouts with Bible study during this time.  I can't tell you how right that feels.  I feel growth. I am learning more about who I should be as a Christian, a wife and a mommy.  I feel God working on my heart.  Putting exercising at the top of my to-do each morning as I did and then possibly never having alone time with God throughout the day leaves no time to allow God to teach and guide.  Those mornings were "noisy" in my head and never quietened down enough to hear that still small voice.

So while I feel that aesthetically I am going downhill fast (like a snowball and growing like one, too), maybe I am getting closer to who God has called me to be.  Yes physical training is good, but not when more time is devoted to it than spiritual training.

1 Timothy 4:8-9

New International Version (NIV)
For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance.

Monday, December 2, 2013


Here is a brief update regarding how I have felt the past few days....it is still the same.  I am just hoping that this a phase.  I hope the feelings of hugeness and the actual stomach discomfort will cease with time.  Now let me shift gears...

Today's lesson in the book is called "Mothers are Influential."  This just brings to light one important reason that I need to get through this no matter how hard it is.  I touched on this in another blog, but after reading the study this morning, I want to concentrate on it.  The author says that "We cannot produce godly children unless we are walking godly.  We must keep a pure spirit free from hurts, grudges, bitterness, anger, hatred, jealousy, discontentment and grumbling."  Examining myself, I can say that I am not walking godly if I am putting exercise higher on the priority list than it belongs.  My spirit is not free from discontentment if I am striving relentlessly for perfection.  I am not free when I am bound by these issues. Having allowed this in my heart, it grows and spreads out to affect so many aspects of my life.  I need to protect my spirit, but oh God, please help me so I can guard the spirits of my children!!  The author says that my attitude and the atmosphere I create in my home will be imprinted on their spirits, affecting their lives and future generations.  I cannot allow this to affect my baby boy and future children's lives.  I could go so far as to say that I am preventing my future babies to even come to life if I allow this addiction and worldly aspirations to saturate my being.  I want to be a godly WOMAN.  I want to be a godly mother.  I want to raise godly children.  

I want more children as this is no secret to you by now.  My husband wants several more boys which is fine.  I sure do delight in the one I have. More would be great.  I do, however, desperately want at least one little girl.  Little boys won't want to spend time with me when they get older, but a little girl will be interested in little girl things. What if...just what if...God is withholding a little girl until I can be free from this slavery.  I don't want this imprinted on any child, but a girl is more susceptible.  Girls feel the need to be pretty.  I want my daughter to feel pretty and to value the prettiness of the soul and not measure it by her size or how in shape she is.

It is humbling to know that my attitudes permeate the atmosphere of my home and affect everybody.  It will not only affect a child, but will stick with the child.  I will reiterate to myself the urgency that exists for me to address this whole-heartedly.  I do not need to put forth the minimum effort, but I should attack this with all of my might.  The worst that can happen is that I gain weight, lose definition, lose some endurance, and have to go up in clothes size.  Actually, these are inevitable.  What is the best that can happen? For one, my son will not grow up with a distorted view of women.  My marriage will be happier. I will be a better mommy.  I will be free and happy.  I will have more children with at least one little girl who will not witness an unhealthy food/exercise/body image relationship.  I will please God and live out a purpose.  I will disappoint the devil. The list goes on.

Let's flip it.  What if I don't do anything?  First off, I would be ignoring the conviction Christ is placing on me...that is a dangerous place to be.  I would be telling the devil that his attack on my womb continues to be successful and be accepting that I may have no more children.  I would not be being the mommy I need to be to the beautiful child I have and would also risk imprinting this on my son forever.  Yes I could keep my low body fat and put on some muscle...but I would still be unhappy.  I would still not be happy with my body.  I would be continuing to live unhealthy while running the risk of all of the things associated with too little fat and never menstruating.  The list goes on.

It appears to be a no-brainer, huh??  So when I feel guilty because I feel that I have eaten too much, I will remind myself that it is necessary for my body to repair.  It is a good thing.  When I feel lazy from not working out during this time period, I will tell myself how my body has to recover since all of these years I never allowed it to recover from one extreme workout to another.  When I feel like I am getting fat, I know that I still don't have enough until my body is functioning as it should.  When I feel bad about how my body changes, I will make an effort to change my perception of what a body should be.  All of this is so much harder when I do not see the fruits yet.  It feels like I am putting myself through this and experiencing the pain and discomfort for nothing.  I pray to see the fruits.  I pray for spiritual and emotional fruits such as seeing myself become more free and more happy.  I pray for physical fruits such as a period and/or pregnancy.  I would be so happy to have a period that I do not even know how crazily I would react.  I can't even imagine how I would feel if I got pregnant naturally.  It just doesn't even seem realistic.  It would be amazing.  

If you feel God is leading you to add anything to these thoughts or to my strategy for overcoming this, please do.  Sometimes I am slow to realize and relate things.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Did It Work??

...not so much.  I still feel the fat sitting copiously on numerous areas of my body.  I also really miss exercising.  I miss getting my heart rate up.  Despite the sinful part of me that feels like I have to, it is true that I do enjoy exercising.  I love lifting weights.  I love short bursts of intensity like plyometrics and sprints. The only times I don't enjoy it is when I know my body is telling me it doesn't feel like it, like when I am sleepy and choose exercise over sleep.   I don't enjoy it when I am sick and need rest or when my body feels overtrained and needs to recover.  If my body is well, though, I truly enjoy working out.  If I didn't, I would not have persisted long enough to let it turn into what it has.  I miss it.  I am trying to be careful with this ache I feel for exercising, though. I need to use the painful ache to further mold me. I know that I do not need to count down the days until I am done with the Bible study or day dream about what workout I will do.  That does not need to be my focus.  I need to focus on the study and how I can grow from it.  I know that not everyone who knows about my issue sees it for what it is.  It is simply black and white to them: I need to gain some weight and cut exercise. Easy Peasy. To these people, it may seem that I am being a little bit extremist by cutting the exercising completely for the 24 (I think) days of the study.  Afterall, I have never gone as long as I have already gone (5 days) without working out except for when I was on bed rest and about 1.5 weeks after my little blessing was born.  They would be partially right if they said it wouldn't hurt anything for me to work out a few times a week and just cut back the intensity.  It is true that it wouldn't hurt my fertility...or so I believe...as long as it was cut enough to still allow my body to heal.  There are the other people (who are few as far as I know) that do see this for what it is - a sin problem.  Let me interject here and say that I would not see it this way had God not revealed that to me.  The people that see it as a sin problem would not see this as being over zealous.  Instead, I think they may see the situation as urgent, and this particular response as necessary.  God has been convicting me of this. That is why all of the sudden it became so heavy on my soul.  I don't think God plays around so for Him to lay the conviction on me, He has got to mean business.  That gives me chills and tears at the same time.  My God is a loving God, but I fear Him.  I am going to take this seriously.  I recognize the situation's exigency and do not feel that I can afford to delay.

I said above that I went without working out while on bed rest.  Actually, even then I didn't totally go without working out.  I did a little arm routine while sitting on the couch.  While I did do this daily, it was still incredibly light compared to what I am used to.  How did I get through it?  I had a baby inside of me that I knew I had to protect.  I need to get it in my head that what I am doing now is for the health of others as well.  It is for my baby so he has the mommy he deserves.  I don't need to pollute his mind with the toxic thoughts I have about myself.  It is also for my future babies that I believe God will give me when I heal.  It is for my marriage so that I can be the wife God has called me to be.  These loved ones do not need my affections split between them and my addiction.

After baby boy was born, I didn't do anything but eat, sleep and nurse for over a week and I had NO guilt.  I even remember saying that I was healed.  I was amazed by that.  I listened to my body.  I put nourishing my baby first and all felt right.  I was not concerned with the fact that I was physically unable to bust out into a work out routine.  Once I started feeling physically able, I started incorporating exercise back in when I could. That quickly turned into doing something 7 days a week.  Then I felt my old ways returning and here I am.  Is this a coincidence that the thoughts came back as I started back working out?  I don't know. I do find it interesting nonetheless.  I guess I could compare it with alcoholics who quit drinking.  They have to be careful because if they slip and take a drink, they will most likely go back to "needing" alcohol.   

I pray that something changes before I see the weight gain on the scale so that I rejoice over the pounds instead of mourning them.  Maybe if I learn to block out the negative thoughts and combat them with truths, then the cycle will eventually break and those thoughts will no longer be automatic and habitual.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

I debated on whether to post today because I am well...a little eehhh.  I don't necessarily feel like expressing my feelings because I want to avoid them.  I also don't want to sound like a negative Nancy. On the other hand, this is a perfect opportunity to demonstrate how my mind works...

We ate at my parents'  house and I guess I felt that I ate too much considering that I had not worked out as I always have in the past.  The whole time we sat there talking to family, I had to keep blocking out how I felt my stomach.  It felt huge and so did my thighs.  My stomach hurt for some reason.  It wasn't from eating too much because it didn't feel well before I even ate.  In my mind, though, a hurting tummy meant that it was getting fatter.  I sat there thinking about the treadmill in the basement and I wanted to exercise so bad.  Since I couldn't, I just wanted to go to bed and wake up hopefully feeling better.  It did not work.  I have felt like that all day.  I debated on popping in an exercise video, and honestly, I might would have if baby boy hadn't woke up at 5:00 this morning and needed me by his side constantly.  Poor thing still does not feel well.  I don't know if it is just my imagination or for real, but my jeans already feel tighter.  If I have already gotten bigger in less than a week, how will I be in a month?  

I have developed the strategy of trying to basically argue with myself.  I think how I feel disgusting and I tell myself that it is not possible to gain weight that fast.  After supper last night, I kept telling myself that you don't gain weight from one meal.  That is the truth unless you eat an extra 3500 calories in one meal.  That would be pretty impossible to do in even a whole day (or two or three) unless you really gave it your all.  After the strategy of arguing with myself, I start the "yeah...but..." Yeah, I may have gained a few pounds but that is the goal, right?  Yeah, my jeans may have gotten smaller after three days, but I needed to go up a size or sizes anyways.  An increase in size is inevitable; I know that.  I remember what I posted yesterday.  I NEED to increase fat. That is a good thing.  Increasing fat leads to increasing femininity.  I need the fat for the sake of hormones. I need the fat for my overall health.  In another post, I posted about the recommendation to eat 2,500 calories a day at a minimum without exercise. That said minimum. I remind myself.  I should concentrate on how those calories went to repair damage.  Yes, that will equal weight gain in the future but that is the goal. 

Even if all of these things are in my head, eventually I am going to gain weight.  Eventually I will move up in jeans size.  I was once told to mourn it and then move on.  I refuse to do this.  I don't want to mourn.  I want to not think it is a bad thing anymore.  I want to be pleased with the progression to a healthier me.  I want freedom.  I am convinced that once I am free, I will not feel these things anymore. These bad feelings will not come as they do now and instead I can just be happy living out my purpose. 

So there is my random and scattered pity party post of the day...I am about to go to bed and hope that tomorrow I wake up feeling better about this.

Friday, November 29, 2013

I missed posting yesterday because my baby felt bad and needed my attention non stop.  I wasn't sure where to go with this post because I had so many things rustling around in my head yesterday.  I guess I will just start and see where I end up.

As seen in the previous post, I have been struggling with the decision of whether I needed to say no to working out for X amount of time or if I could actually recover by just limiting it.  One wise person I spoke with suggested that I don't work out at all while I go through the Bible study.  I spoke with my husband about what I should do and he just said that just as God is leading me in this heart change, He will guide me through every part of it.  Thus, he just said that God would show me and then he said that he thinks I already know but I just keep grasping at straws.  After these conversations and listening intently for guidance, I have decided not to work out while I do the Bible study.  When it is finished, I will re-evaluate where my heart is and what and how I can incorporate working out in a godly fashion.  This isn't to say that I have warded off walking or that I will move as little as possible.  This is to say that I am not doing anything for the purpose of exercise.  When I feel the desire, I will seek more spiritual training.  "For physical training is of some value (useful for a little), but godliness (spiritual training) is useful and of value in everything and in every way, for it holds promise for the present life and also for the life which is to come. This saying is reliable and worthy of complete acceptance by everybody." 1 Timothy 4:8-9

So yes this decision scares the beejeebees out of me...especially during the holiday season!! I will have to surrender my work out over again every day and who knows when it will get easier. I am afraid of how fast I will gain weight and how much I will gain.  What if in a month or two, people comment on how I have packed on the pounds? (Side note:  Be sure that if you tell someone you can tell they have gained weight that they are ready to hear it.  If they haven't gained much or haven't gained any, they will feel bad because it is already obvious.  This validates one of our biggest fears surrounding gaining weight - you can SEE. EVERY. SINGLE. POUND. so the necessary amount will look like you swallowed the Michelin Man.)  I have always been a pro at compensating...which kicks in restrictive eating mode but I CANNOT allow that to happen here.  I have to go on eating the same amount so I will GAIN (ugh) weight.  I have to hold myself accountable and allow others to help me do so as well.  I am sure many dieticians would disagree and who am I to argue, but I do believe that weight gained through wholesome foods will look different than that gained off of processed and/or sugary junk.  I tell myself that anyways.

This leads me down another avenue....FEMINITY (i.e. "having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with women").  Hmmmm.  One of my struggles is the struggle with being feminine.  I would have thought that sounded absurd years, months or even days ago.  God showed me, though, as I can count on Him to do.  You can look at men and women and see that we were made differently.  Men were made to be leaner hence the higher metabolism.  They are made to be stronger as seen in their greater ease in gaining muscle.  Let's look at the ACE body fat percentage chart and author commentary found on http://www.builtlean.com/2010/08/03/ideal-body-fat-percentage-chart/ :

 "As you can see, women have a higher body fat percentage relative to men for a given level. Women have more fat because of physiological differences such as hormones, breasts, and sexual organs. In addition, women need a higher amount of body fat for ovulation.
Ideal Body Fat Percentage Chart 1

“Essential fat” is the minimum amount of fat necessary for basic physical and physiological health. There is a lot of controversy over what amount of body fat is optimal for overall health. A research paper by Gallagher et. al. in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition (2000) came to the conclusion that certain low body fat ranges are “underfat”, which implies “unhealthy”.2 According to this research paper, men who are between 20-40 years old with under 8% body fat are considered “underfat”, whereas a “healthy” range is described as between 8-19%. For women in this same age group, any level under 21% is “underfat” and 21-33% is considered 'healthy'"

Let's address where I am....The highest I have ever been at testing since working out was around 17%.  I have been at 7.9% (tested by a dietician) and the last time I got it checked, I was at 9%.  I am leaner now than I was then.  I miss the healthy range by a long shot (21-33%). Not only is that unhealthy, it is UNFEMININE.  Women were not made to have low body fat.  If we were, then our bodies would carry on their functions without hiccup.  Carrying an extra low body fat is against God's design.  When I see this stuff in black and white, I honestly feel like I want to welcome the curves and the pounds with open arms.  Bring it on!!!!!  The sinful thoughts soon follow.  The world has such a distorted view and I find myself wanting to meet the world's standards.  I worry about what people who value the unbiblical characteristics will think.  Why?!?!?!? Why do I care? Pride. Sinful pride.  Since when has making women more masculine become beautiful or making them look unhealthy skinny become sexy?  Have you ever thought of what Bathsheeba must have looked like?  Apparently she was incredibly beautiful.  I dare say that you probably could NOT count her abs, or ribs for that matter, nor could you see her veins.  I am sure she didn't have much or any muscular definition.  She probably had curves and maybe, just maybe, a little cellulite if you looked closely enough.  I know that was all random, but I just got to thinking about that yesterday.  Needless to say, I have let the world define what I should strive for, not the Bible.  Furthermore, I give too much thought into what others think.  I am afraid to gain weight because of what others will think when my own husband (the only person who even sees me naked and the only person who needs to find me attractive) has been begging me to gain weight.  He tells me I am beautiful despite what everyone else sees YET he still sees that I need to gain weight.  My mom and step dad sincerely want me to gain weight.  My baby boy needs me to be healthy.  My unborn children need me to be healthy so I can conceive them and live healthy - mind, body and spirit - in front of them so that I don't lead them into the same misguided thinking.  These are the people who love me the most.  Why do I care what the world thinks?  I am not living for the world.  I am living for God, first and foremost, and then for the loved ones He has placed and will place in my life to serve.

Any thoughts to add to this?

Wednesday, November 27, 2013


Do you know how it feel when you wake up in the night thirsty?  You are dead asleep and the movement to reach for the cup is such a dreaded one.  It would be so much easier to lie where you are although you know how good that water will be.  That is kind of how I feel this morning.  I feel like I am reaching for my blessings, but it would be so much easier to lie here without making any changes.  That is what scares me that I may shrink back tomorrow or the next day.  I wish I could get over the hard part. I wish I could get over the 10+ pounds I need to gain and over the shock of what I see in the mirror.  I wish that was behind me, yet I have only just started.  So here are a few things I am debating...is it enough, at this point, to just not know when my workouts will come in and scaling back on the intensity when they do?  Or should I go through something akin to a "spiritual detox," if you will, by abstaining from working out for a week, two weeks, a month and then start back at a lesser intensity?  Can I scale down right now and be effective or do I need to hit the reset button?  If you say reset button, what does that mean? How long to reset?  Next, I had planned to make a plan because that is what I do...I plan.  I then wondered if I adhere to a new plan...is that not all I will be doing - creating a new minimum, a new "do or die" or a new expectation?

Can working out ever be done "for God?"  I have seen some people say that is why they do it.  I see that that may be the case for some...if their hearts are really right. I agree that God wants us to take care of our bodies, but we must be cautious that everything stays in its right place. I admit that there have been plenty of times that I started my workout praying a prayer that the work out was for God and His glory.  In my case, it was like saying "This is for you God!!  We both get what we want...I get a little leaner and you get a little worship too. We both win."  I probably didn't even read my Bible a lot of those days. There was no worship going on while I was doing my squats. Rolling my eyes.  Can we call something with a selfish agenda worship?  Why no, we cannot.  That was not worship. I was worshiping my temple and just tying a pretty bow on top.  The Bible says that even our best is filthy rags; I would hate to see what that looked like to God. It probably stunk to high heavens...pun intended.

On to the book...

Chapter two of the book does not disappoint.  The author says, "God has designed our whole reproductive cycle especially for us.  Because it is His design and purpose for us, we should embrace it with all of our hearts.  We should not resist it.  We should embrace every part of our reproductive system..."  My reproductive system as been "out of order" for years except for those two cycles I had after gaining some weight years ago and the conception of my son.  My reproductive system was prodded with medicinal intervention and medical supervision to achieve conception though.  My reproductive system is not working properly due to sin.  I am living out of God's design.  It is not His design to be of low body fat. That is not feminine.  It is not His design to live in a constant state of amenhorrea.  The author goes on to say that "we must positively seek to protect our womb.  THERE IS AN UNPRECEDENTED ATTACK AGAINST THE WOMBS OF WOMEN TODAY THAT IS INSTIGATED BY THE ENEMY...SATAN HATES THE WOMB."  There it is again.  The attack.  The enemy.  I am standing up against Satan and his attacks.  Like I said, I have made it so easy for him that he doesn't even have to spend time on me...as he is only one and not omnipresent like the Lord.  He sends his minions out, but he has not had a need to waste resources on me. He probably just cheers me on from time to time.  No more.  Satan you are weak, and with Christ, I am strong.  My God has a purpose for me and I will deny it NO MORE.  You win no more battles. I am putting on the armor of Christ that HE has laid out for me to fight and win this battle but I have been consistently denying. I put it on. I fight. I will win. Praise God, I will win.

There are so many things in this chapter I want to address.  Instead I will just say you need to read the book if you aren't already.  I do have to quote a few other places "The womb is a powerful weapon against Satan.  The greatest threat to Satan in this world is godly parents who understand God's intentions and who will bring forth and train a godly seed to fulfill His eternal plans....Pray for the health of your womb.  A beautiful ministry that a husband can do is to regularly pray over and bless the womb on his wife."

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Tuesday's Revelations

This morning started out pretty good.  As I scampered off to the gym, I got into somewhat of a deep thought as I drove there.  I was thinking on how God seeks me out...He pursues my heart...He longs for my full attention.  If He didn't, where would I be?  I was thinking about how He is really tugging at me, leading me and pressuring me right now...oh the pressure I feel. It is He who is revealing to me my true sinful state and need for deliverance.  He is showing me the root behind my problem.  I feel it heavier and heavier every day and I guess it will continue until I "let go" as I mentioned in the previous post.  My, how He loves me that He wants me to fulfill my purpose.  He has led me to this point of feeling like I need to recover from HA...not just physically, but I need to spiritually.  Anyways, as I thought about this, I felt a deep desire to worship.  I called Him Jehovah.  I whispered El Shaddai.  THEN hours later, as I opened my book, the first page said EL SHADDAI - THE GOD OF THE TOTAL PROVISION in big bold letters.  El which means powerful, mighty, and eternal God and Shaddai that literally means "the breasted one" is a picture of God Himself as one who longs to comfort us, protect us and nurture us.  He created me in His image and put His maternal heart within me.  Not even past the first page and I feel my heart pumping faster.  I want to pull out a few other excerpts and respond...

I have commented to my mother before how, although I have never been very selfless, a good mother immediately develops that trait when she becomes a mother.  A baby's hunger, diapers and other needs automatically precede your own.  I thought I had become selfless.  I am realizing I have not to the degree that God has designed.  The author in the book says that you will fulfill your destiny as a woman and find true fulfillment as you reach out in loving nurture, forgetting yourself and your own needs.  Other than my baby needing me to take care of his basic needs, he also needs me to take care of myself.  He needs me to be happy and free.  He needs me to demonstrate a woman living out her purpose as a godly mother.  To be truly selfless, I need to let go of my "need" to exercise without missing a day or missing hitting my max heart rate.  

The author quotes Andrew Jukes saying "The only thing needed on man's part to receive His Almightiness is the FAITH TO YIELD ONESELF TO GOD and to let Him do what He will with us. Can we so believe as to let God do what He pleases with us?"  Wow.  I have stated that I know what God is leading me to do.  I know He wants me to be happy.  I know that this obsession with my body is sinful and stands in the way of fulfilling my purpose.  I have not jumped over the ledge because I am scared of how I feel or what people will think.  I do not have the "faith to yield oneself to God and let Him do what He will."  Ouch.  I see. 

"When Satan attacks motherhood through the perpetration of humanistic values, he is actually attacking the purpose of God."  This sentence read in silence almost deafened me it was so loud.  My dependence on working out and being a certain body fat are goals that are derived from humanistic desires to achieve this ideal based on humanistic values.  What is the number one way to attack motherhood?? INFERTILITY. Should I type that again?  Do I fully grasp this?  These things holding me captive are from Satan.  Let me clarify here that he is not pushing them on me.  God wants to free me, but is requiring me to let go. Nevertheless, they are of a sinful nature which is from Satan.  Thus, I am infertile.  How better to attack motherhood than to nip it in the bud?  Yes we circumvented this attack on fertility by using fertility medication on a reversible condition that would be reversed if I did those two dreaded things (cut exercise, gain weight) which would not be hard if I just listened to God and LET GO.  So we got a child and this child makes me love motherhood more than I could ever imagine.  I love being his mommy.  I love him so so so much.  Yet, I can't be the mommy for him that God wants me to be, if I stay captive.  Allowing this attack - and let's be honest, making this attack EASY for Satan - I am not fulfilling God's purpose.  Satan does not need to win here and he won't.  God's purpose will be fulfilled with or without me...but I choose with me.

Here is a verse that I need to meditate on: Colossians 3:23-24, "Whatever you do, PUT YOUR WHOLE HEART AND SOUL INTO IT, as into work done for God, and not merely for men - knowing that your real reward, a heavenly one, will come from God, since you are actually EMPLOYED BY CHRIST."

At the end of the chapter is a prayer.  I won't repeat the whole thing, but I will say that I felt like it was written especially for me to pray.  As I recited the words, tears streamed down.  As I said Amen, I felt lighter.

I know I will study another chapter tomorrow and will read the scripture.  I know I will pray specifically for the ability to embrace motherhood and fulfill this purpose whole-heartedly.  I don't know if I will exercise tomorrow.  I don't know because tomorrow morning, I am not going to wake up with that being first.  I have never questioned if I would have time for my work out, because I did it first. Tomorrow morning is going to be different. I am going to be in the Word first. I am letting go.  This will be just as hard each and every day following. It will be a struggle to not grasp for control.  I have to keep reminding myself that if I keep choosing to release control, I will see the fruits.  I trust this with all of my heart and soul.  It makes my heart leap with excitement for what is to come.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Let It Go

My sweet little guy is napping.  I am tired and could have napped had I not been so hungry so I got up and fixed myself some lunch.  I had an avocado and cheese sandwich on some homemade sprouted bread with black beans and homemade sweet potato fries.  It was yummy, but now I would love some Starbucks coffee!  After eating, I opened up a book I got in the mail.  It is a Bible study book called Power of Motherhood.  I read the introduction and hope to start the first lesson tomorrow.  I really needed a study such as this because I have not been in the Word as I should have been ever since Amos was born.  It is hard to have quiet time with a little one.  I am lucky if I get to read a blog post...or now write one either.  I was thinking on this and how I don't have time and then I felt ashamed.  I work out first thing in the morning so I know I will have time.  I get up before my toodlebug does and start my workout.  Sometimes I have to take a break to get him back to sleep if he wakes up, but I still get it done.  I think that as I recover from hypothalamic amenhorrea, God will really use it to refine me.  I hope that this book opens my eyes and my heart so that I truly believe that it really does not matter what I weigh in the grand scheme of things.  I would say without hesitation that being a mommy is far more precious than a six pack is...so why am I having such a hard time giving it up in order to naturally conceive more children.  I get so caught up in the details (weight, body fat, work out routines, what people think, etc.) that I forget the big picture.  It is simple as what would I rather have - more children or my abs.  Who do I want to be - a godly mother or someone who is daily chasing something that is not attainable.  Living for attention and striving for perfection is idol worship.  God gave me a temple to use for worship and in a way, I have been worshiping the temple itself.  Just look at how I spent my time...look at how passionate I was about it.  It is prideful and self-consuming.  I look back and I can say that I have done the fitness thing.  I have been the personal trainer and the fitness instructor.  I have been in a magazine and received the compliments.  I am on to a new season of life now.  It will be a happier one, more fulfilling.  It will be living out a purpose.  Now I can see that the "fit" season has been gone for a while.  I am the only person who still finds my identity there. My body is so worn down and no longer muscular and strong.  It could only take so much. This shows me that I have been in limbo...still clinging to this old me...this idea of what I should look like/exercise like and not letting go and letting God set me in a new season.  I am still between seasons. I enjoy more than anything the pieces of the new season I can touch currently (being a mommy/enjoying my family).  The pieces of the old season drag me down and keep me from fully enjoying all of the blessings God has for me.  It is preventing me from being the daughter of Christ that He has designed me to be.  It is keeping me from naturally conceiving more children. It steals my happiness.  I wish I could just let go.  I type this with tears.  God wants me to be happy and free.  I am the one keeping myself in captivity.  I do feel that as God shows me how my sinful nature and desires are interfering with my happiness and as I read about other people overcoming HA, I feel like I get a little more courage.  I said before how I was so afraid people would think I let myself go if I gain some weight, but that is exactly what I need to do...I KNOW I need to just LET GO. 

But how???

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Early Morning Thoughts

I mentioned briefly in a previous post about how I was happy with my body before I started working out and paying attention to where every calorie came from.  It is so rare for a female to feel good about her body, but I did. I didn't think I was perfect, but I didn't wish to change anything.  I ate freely, too. I ate what I liked and as much as I wanted. I am glad I don't eat the things I use to, but I wish I could be free again.  Not long after I started working out, things shifted.  As I said before, my mind started changing, too.  From that point on, I would never feel good enough.  There would always be too much fat here or there and not enough another place.  I would want more definition one day, and be bummed that a particular muscle wasn't bigger the next day.  Stress began to accompany eating.  For a long time, I was scared to death of eating fat.  I avoided it.  It wasn't until after college that I started eating fats.  Funny thing is, when I did, I lost more weight...and quickly at that.  Then I went into a stage where I would not eat ANYTHING that had not been prepared by me.  I would not eat it if it was not a "whole" food.  I made my own everything...and it was exhausting.  I worked out everyday, had to make every food and snack I ate, and still had to find time to do well at my full time job and being a wife.  I feel like I am in such a better place with food now.  Yes, it is very important to me to prepare as much of our snacks as possible and to prepare real, whole foods.  I will not ever change that.  I want to be healthy and more importantly, I want my family to be healthy.  The difference is that now, if I eat an m&m, a wheat thin or get a latte with skim milk, I won't feel like I am about to die from the artificial stuff.  I will not question how every food is prepared when I go to a get-together. I will go out to eat with a friend or my husband and I will enjoy it!!  I believe that the 80/20 rule has merit.  I probably live more 90/10 a lot of the time, but 80/20 would not cause me any shame.

I got off track with where I was going.  I find it strange that being obsessively dedicated to working out and eating a spic and span diet has made me less happy....less happy with myself, my appearance, and really just in general.  I was satisfied with what I saw in the mirror before the hard work started changing the reflection and I started spending so much of my time trying to perfect it.  Perfection is not attainable. Why does anyone spend so much time and happiness trying?

Friday, November 22, 2013

HA Prescription

No matter what I read, the prescription for recovery is the same: eat more and exercise less.  Apparently, in order for your body to heal, you have to provide it with an over abundance of calories and a lot of rest.  Here are some fears I have...I fear gaining weight.  I think it would be a lot easier if I could wear a sign that says "I have to gain weight so I can have babies."  Then I think people would look on that and encourage me.  I fear that since people don't know, then they will think I have let myself go.  I fear cutting back on exercise because it is such a part of who I am.  Just walking or doing light workouts are not me...never have been.  Who will I be? Once again, I don't want people to think I have become less dedicated.  I know that these fears are probably silly and really no one cares if I gain weight or skip a workout.  I told my mom these fears and she said that people talk about me now and say that I look sick.  In actuality, people probably don't think I work out anymore anyways because I look so frail.

So let's talk food...


Am I Restricting?

No. I am not and have not been. Granted, it took a little while to realize how much food I actually needed to nurse and exercise and just live, but I eat plenty now.  Months ago I started striving for 2,500 + calories and finally quit losing weight.  If you looked in my pantry and fridge, you would not see skim or low fat things.  Instead, you would see that I buy coconut oil by the gallon, the two pounds of grass-fed and raw butter in my fridge, gallons of raw milk, 40 lbs of peanuts, almonds, walnuts and seeds, homemade peanut butter and almond butter, sunbutter, eggs galore, home-milled grains, sprouted bread, lots of vegetables and fruit, etc.  You get the picture.  I eat a traditional, whole foods diet not skimping on any food group.  I roll my eyes at the low fat or low carb diets.  Saying all of that, I eat a good diet and since increasing my calories, I eat enough to maintain.  I guess gaining is now the goal though so good and enough is not good enough.  One thing I read said that I need 2,500 + calories with absolutely zero exercise. Yikes.  According to it, the body needs the extra calories to repair damage done that is unbeknownst to me...things on the inside that I don't even know are going on.  I see that 13 years of depriving my body and overworking it could do damage and maybe I really don't even want to know the specifics.  For now, I am carrying on with my intense workouts and schedule until I can get a game plan.  As far as food goes, I have taken the good step...

Over three weeks ago, I spoke with a woman who deals with holistic nutrition and medication.  She is pretty awesome as she is also a midwife.  She believes that if I can get up to 110 pounds (I am 5'6") and am eating PLENTY of healthy fats, then I can probably regain fertility.  Since then, I have been intentional on increasing my fats.  I also started drinking a minimum of 1 cup of raw milk daily.  It is delicious so it is not that hard.  Beforehand, I drank only almond milk which I still drink it as well as the raw milk.  I don't do store bought milk because I just do not like the taste of pasteurized and homogenized whole milk.  This all has been a good step though.  Although I think I see the pounds packing on at an unreal rate, the scale says differently.  I have to try to block out these thoughts.  Plus, my mom told me that just since I have been drinking raw milk regularly, I look better...I believe her description was "less hollow and dead."  Mom's compliments are the best, aren't they?  One thing I can count on is her to be real with me, and I appreciate that so much.  So progress?? I think I can call it that.

Oh and the scale thing...I am committing to not weigh more often than once a month and will maybe get the courage to not weigh at all one day.  I weigh at the gym since my husband won't allow me to own a scale...smart man...

So What is This All About??

I have never written a blog before.  I do not like the whole world to know everything about me.  However, I have decided it might be therapeutic to start blogging.  I don't know if anyone will even read this, and frankly, that is fine by me at this point...I think. Why am I all of the sudden blogging?  Let me tell you...

I have struggled with fertility issues all of my life.  I was always suspect that it had to do with the very low body fat that I have always been adamant about maintaining, or the heart pumping workouts that I have done consistently over the past 13 years, or the restrictive eating habits that I perpetrated for a lot of that time.  Without going into a forever long history (which I might do one day if I get a single reader who is interested in knowing), I will sum up the past briefly.  At 15 years of age, I was incredibly happy with my body...a little too pleased some might argue.  I decided to start working out just for fun.  It wasn't long that not only my body was changing, but my mind was changing as well.  I never needed to lose weight, but as I started getting compliments on muscle tone and such, I became addicted.  I am very type A personality.  Less than two years later, my cycle began acting up and eventually disappeared.  This was fine by me. Who enjoys that monthly visit anyways?? I am running the risk of going into too much detail so I will try to get back into synopsis mode.  Most of the past 13 years I have had a healthy BMI and looked healthy because of the amount of muscle I carried.  The lack of adequate fat and my workout routines and poor diet were hard on my body, though.  When I got married and started work, I began restrictive eating because I could no longer workout 2-3 hours a day like I could in college.  I added a little running to my workouts and without enough nourishment, even my muscles started breaking down.  I started seeing a dietician and a therapist.  After gaining a little weight, I got a monthly visit.  That thing which I said good riddance to years before was now a cause for jumping up and down and calling almost everyone I knew.  The progress seemed to be too slow for my desire to be a mommy, so we went for help.  The fertility doctor diagnosed me with Hypothalamic Amenhorrea.  This is where the story starts getting to my point.  HA is basically when there is a disruption in hormone production by the hypothalamus because it deems that your body is unsafe to carry a child.  The doctor prescribed treatment with injectables and after the first try, we were pregnant.  We now have a beautifully perfect child. As the name of the blog implies, I want many more of these beautiful blessings; however, nursing and my intense workouts have made me skinnier than ever.  Once my fat had burned off, my muscles started disappearing next.  So we are getting closer to the point....I want to be fertile.  I want to get pregnant.  I want to do this naturally this time.  I want my body to be healthy.  The how-to's of recovery of this condition/eating disorder/stinking thinking are particularly hard for me, though.  I am going to blog through this.  I am not going to post what I eat every day or every detail of my life, but I am going to blog through strategies, feelings and fears, and progress.

I hope this helps me and maybe even someone else along the way...