Let It Go
My sweet little guy is napping. I am tired and could have napped had I not been so hungry so I got up and fixed myself some lunch. I had an avocado and cheese sandwich on some homemade sprouted bread with black beans and homemade sweet potato fries. It was yummy, but now I would love some Starbucks coffee! After eating, I opened up a book I got in the mail. It is a Bible study book called Power of Motherhood. I read the introduction and hope to start the first lesson tomorrow. I really needed a study such as this because I have not been in the Word as I should have been ever since Amos was born. It is hard to have quiet time with a little one. I am lucky if I get to read a blog post...or now write one either. I was thinking on this and how I don't have time and then I felt ashamed. I work out first thing in the morning so I know I will have time. I get up before my toodlebug does and start my workout. Sometimes I have to take a break to get him back to sleep if he wakes up, but I still get it done. I think that as I recover from hypothalamic amenhorrea, God will really use it to refine me. I hope that this book opens my eyes and my heart so that I truly believe that it really does not matter what I weigh in the grand scheme of things. I would say without hesitation that being a mommy is far more precious than a six pack is...so why am I having such a hard time giving it up in order to naturally conceive more children. I get so caught up in the details (weight, body fat, work out routines, what people think, etc.) that I forget the big picture. It is simple as what would I rather have - more children or my abs. Who do I want to be - a godly mother or someone who is daily chasing something that is not attainable. Living for attention and striving for perfection is idol worship. God gave me a temple to use for worship and in a way, I have been worshiping the temple itself. Just look at how I spent my time...look at how passionate I was about it. It is prideful and self-consuming. I look back and I can say that I have done the fitness thing. I have been the personal trainer and the fitness instructor. I have been in a magazine and received the compliments. I am on to a new season of life now. It will be a happier one, more fulfilling. It will be living out a purpose. Now I can see that the "fit" season has been gone for a while. I am the only person who still finds my identity there. My body is so worn down and no longer muscular and strong. It could only take so much. This shows me that I have been in limbo...still clinging to this old me...this idea of what I should look like/exercise like and not letting go and letting God set me in a new season. I am still between seasons. I enjoy more than anything the pieces of the new season I can touch currently (being a mommy/enjoying my family). The pieces of the old season drag me down and keep me from fully enjoying all of the blessings God has for me. It is preventing me from being the daughter of Christ that He has designed me to be. It is keeping me from naturally conceiving more children. It steals my happiness. I wish I could just let go. I type this with tears. God wants me to be happy and free. I am the one keeping myself in captivity. I do feel that as God shows me how my sinful nature and desires are interfering with my happiness and as I read about other people overcoming HA, I feel like I get a little more courage. I said before how I was so afraid people would think I let myself go if I gain some weight, but that is exactly what I need to do...I KNOW I need to just LET GO.