I have a lot tossing around in my head right now so I will apologize in advance for the rambling that is about to take place. Through conversations over the past couple of days, my mind has gone off on several different trains of thought. I will start with one and see how it goes.
I was thinking about the concept of letting go. God does not want me to be in bondage and if I am, it is because I am keeping myself there. He is big enough to free me from it, but He isn't going to if I am unwilling...which circles back to my need to let go. Through abstaining from exercise for the time of the Bible study while still eating gobs of food, I appear to have let go. However, all of this is so hard which is evidence that I am not freed from it so I must still be hanging on. Then I wonder if I am doing something wrong. Is there something that I am missing or is letting go just a process? Is it one of those things that you have to choose to let go by actions first and the rest will eventually follow?? My mind has been programmed to think this way and I know that it will take a while to re-program it. This will be quite a challenge in this world that we live in. Society views weight gain as a negative thing so I can't shake the guilt of purposely gaining weight. Furthermore, I am surrounded by people (tv, real life, magazines) who are all trying to be skinnier and fitter. It is obvious that the majority of the world puts too much value in these things. Being around this is not good for me. For instance, a sober alcoholic cannot go to a bar or hang out with friends who are drinking. It is not good for him/her and will only make things harder. I need to surround myself with godly women, especially mommies. Honestly, there are not very many that I know that are really trying to live out what the Bible says about being a godly mother and that put value in the right places. I do desire to be one of those women, though. At the same time, I find myself caring what the rest of the population thinks...the people who have misconstrued views of what is important. I don't know why I care. Maybe partly it saddens me because I see that they are misguided as I have been for so very long. On the other hand, I think I care because of that little fleshly trait called pride. As I have eluded to in other posts, I was once one of those girls in the gym that had a very muscular and lean physique. That was college. I am no longer in college. I am not that person anymore and no one views me that way. It takes a whole lot of time and dedication to be that, and while I have all of the dedication one would need, time I do not have. I would have to attend the gym to lift multiple times a week, every week. I cannot do this. I have a child and I am not going to leave him in gym day care. I am not saying there is anything wrong with gym day care; but I am saying that things specific to my child and specific to me as a parent have made me decide that I will not do it. If I decide I am comfortable with it when he gets older, I will probably have another small one that I won't leave there. My parenting choices are another subject so moving on...SO if I won't leave him in daycare and my husband can only watch him for me to go once a week (only most weeks) and my mom lives too far away then going to the gym that often is not feasible. Then there comes the strict diet I would have to be on to put on the muscle. By strict, I mean enough calories to feed my baby, sustain me and then put on muscle...and even then I would be back in the same boat because where is the fuel for things like a reproductive cycle?? I believe I have made my point. I am at a different place in my life that demands different things if I want to be the godly mother God has called me to be. I am no longer the girl I was in college, not physically or spiritually. Being the over compensator that I am, when I saw I couldn't gain back the muscle and maintain it, I shifted to intense workouts with high rep lifting which are things I can do at home. I traded muscular and lean for skinny and lean. While I am abstaining from exercising, it is so tempting to compensate again with my fall back area - eating. I would like to restrict, but I can't. When I look back at all of this, I see myself as someone who is so confused. It is like I am blind folded and grasping for whatever I can control. I am holding on to the idea of the fit person I used to be. I have over-trained myself to unhealthy status so an idea is all it is. I have to give up that idea. I need to do what I need to do to be healthy. I need to be a godly woman who can enjoy moderate exercise to be healthy without taking it to extremes or valuing it too greatly. Who know...maybe the results won't be so bad. If I suck it up and just get there, maybe I won't hate what I see plus I will be a lot happier...Just maybe...
Random thought: Since when did healthy become a bad thing?
It was suggested to me that I fill out index cards with truths to read to combat those thoughts that are so programmed in my head. Please share with me if you have any. It can be a Bible verse, a quote or even some of your own wisdom. I need help with this!!