I missed posting yesterday because my baby felt bad and needed my attention non stop.  I wasn't sure where to go with this post because I had so many things rustling around in my head yesterday.  I guess I will just start and see where I end up.

As seen in the previous post, I have been struggling with the decision of whether I needed to say no to working out for X amount of time or if I could actually recover by just limiting it.  One wise person I spoke with suggested that I don't work out at all while I go through the Bible study.  I spoke with my husband about what I should do and he just said that just as God is leading me in this heart change, He will guide me through every part of it.  Thus, he just said that God would show me and then he said that he thinks I already know but I just keep grasping at straws.  After these conversations and listening intently for guidance, I have decided not to work out while I do the Bible study.  When it is finished, I will re-evaluate where my heart is and what and how I can incorporate working out in a godly fashion.  This isn't to say that I have warded off walking or that I will move as little as possible.  This is to say that I am not doing anything for the purpose of exercise.  When I feel the desire, I will seek more spiritual training.  "For physical training is of some value (useful for a little), but godliness (spiritual training) is useful and of value in everything and in every way, for it holds promise for the present life and also for the life which is to come. This saying is reliable and worthy of complete acceptance by everybody." 1 Timothy 4:8-9

So yes this decision scares the beejeebees out of me...especially during the holiday season!! I will have to surrender my work out over again every day and who knows when it will get easier. I am afraid of how fast I will gain weight and how much I will gain.  What if in a month or two, people comment on how I have packed on the pounds? (Side note:  Be sure that if you tell someone you can tell they have gained weight that they are ready to hear it.  If they haven't gained much or haven't gained any, they will feel bad because it is already obvious.  This validates one of our biggest fears surrounding gaining weight - you can SEE. EVERY. SINGLE. POUND. so the necessary amount will look like you swallowed the Michelin Man.)  I have always been a pro at compensating...which kicks in restrictive eating mode but I CANNOT allow that to happen here.  I have to go on eating the same amount so I will GAIN (ugh) weight.  I have to hold myself accountable and allow others to help me do so as well.  I am sure many dieticians would disagree and who am I to argue, but I do believe that weight gained through wholesome foods will look different than that gained off of processed and/or sugary junk.  I tell myself that anyways.

This leads me down another avenue....FEMINITY (i.e. "having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with women").  Hmmmm.  One of my struggles is the struggle with being feminine.  I would have thought that sounded absurd years, months or even days ago.  God showed me, though, as I can count on Him to do.  You can look at men and women and see that we were made differently.  Men were made to be leaner hence the higher metabolism.  They are made to be stronger as seen in their greater ease in gaining muscle.  Let's look at the ACE body fat percentage chart and author commentary found on http://www.builtlean.com/2010/08/03/ideal-body-fat-percentage-chart/ :

 "As you can see, women have a higher body fat percentage relative to men for a given level. Women have more fat because of physiological differences such as hormones, breasts, and sexual organs. In addition, women need a higher amount of body fat for ovulation.

“Essential fat” is the minimum amount of fat necessary for basic physical and physiological health. There is a lot of controversy over what amount of body fat is optimal for overall health. A research paper by Gallagher et. al. in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition (2000) came to the conclusion that certain low body fat ranges are “underfat”, which implies “unhealthy”.² According to this research paper, men who are between 20-40 years old with under 8% body fat are considered “underfat”, whereas a “healthy” range is described as between 8-19%. For women in this same age group, any level under 21% is “underfat” and 21-33% is considered 'healthy'"

Let's address where I am....The highest I have ever been at testing since working out was around 17%.  I have been at 7.9% (tested by a dietician) and the last time I got it checked, I was at 9%.  I am leaner now than I was then.  I miss the healthy range by a long shot (21-33%). Not only is that unhealthy, it is UNFEMININE.  Women were not made to have low body fat.  If we were, then our bodies would carry on their functions without hiccup.  Carrying an extra low body fat is against God's design.  When I see this stuff in black and white, I honestly feel like I want to welcome the curves and the pounds with open arms.  Bring it on!!!!!  The sinful thoughts soon follow.  The world has such a distorted view and I find myself wanting to meet the world's standards.  I worry about what people who value the unbiblical characteristics will think.  Why?!?!?!? Why do I care? Pride. Sinful pride.  Since when has making women more masculine become beautiful or making them look unhealthy skinny become sexy?  Have you ever thought of what Bathsheeba must have looked like?  Apparently she was incredibly beautiful.  I dare say that you probably could NOT count her abs, or ribs for that matter, nor could you see her veins.  I am sure she didn't have much or any muscular definition.  She probably had curves and maybe, just maybe, a little cellulite if you looked closely enough.  I know that was all random, but I just got to thinking about that yesterday.  Needless to say, I have let the world define what I should strive for, not the Bible.  Furthermore, I give too much thought into what others think.  I am afraid to gain weight because of what others will think when my own husband (the only person who even sees me naked and the only person who needs to find me attractive) has been begging me to gain weight.  He tells me I am beautiful despite what everyone else sees YET he still sees that I need to gain weight.  My mom and step dad sincerely want me to gain weight.  My baby boy needs me to be healthy.  My unborn children need me to be healthy so I can conceive them and live healthy - mind, body and spirit - in front of them so that I don't lead them into the same misguided thinking.  These are the people who love me the most.  Why do I care what the world thinks?  I am not living for the world.  I am living for God, first and foremost, and then for the loved ones He has placed and will place in my life to serve.

Any thoughts to add to this?