Give Yourself Up to God
That being said, let us start with some catch-up. Yesterday was day 24...the last day of the Bible study. When I felt God's guidance in committing that time period to the Bible study with zero exercising, I was bummed but too scared to ignore Him. While I knew that I did not need to anticipate the end of this exercise abstinence, I did catch myself loosely planning what my work outs would look like since the heart pounding intense stuff are off limits. Little did I know, a bomb would be dropped on me a week out from the end of the study. Through a couple of avenues, I was shown that 24 days is not enough. The first loving declaration of my need to further this extreme (to me, no exercise at all is extreme) phase of healing made me irate. Then after the conversation was over, I felt that the words had made their way to my heart which made me even angrier. The next day, I spoke with someone who honestly is the most godly woman I know. It was almost as if she was pleading for my life. It reminded me of the gravity of the situation and how I have no choice but to fervently and urgently strive for victory over it. She told me the same thing - I can't just go back after 24 days...I can't afford to go there until this sin problem has been put to death and even then, my exercise regimen will likely never look anything even close to what it did. As she spoke, I knew that all she said was true and right. I am not going to lie, though, I felt like the biggest rainstorm was falling on my parade. God has convicted me in this area before. The last time was a few years ago and I did take steps by seeing a dietician and a therapist who stamped me with an eating disorder label so fast it made my head spin. Apparently, I dropped the ball along the way. I was serious about the healing, but I know I did what I thought would be enough without pushing the envelop and would have never ventured to the land of non-exercise. Maybe I also became so consumed with the physical side of it that I quit seeing the most detrimental part which was the sin part of it - the heart of the problem. Flash forward to this time and I have known for a long time that my body needed healing so I could become pregnant again and my husband and my mom have both pleaded for me to gain weight. I did try to gain weight, but there is a difference in trying and pursuing an outcome with desperation. However, when God started convicting me again, I KNEW that this time was more serious. As I have said before, I don't think I had ever experienced such a heavy, restricting, suffocating conviction in my life. I know that God means business and that this is likely it for me...my last chance to stand up and fight against the devil and his stronghold on me. If I don't, God's plan will come to fruition and He would likely lay a big dose of humility on me in a way that I would not want. So since I know in my heart that this is serious and that I am engaged in a spiritual WAR, I am treading on down this painful path in the faith that I will be delivered; the enemy will get off my back; and I will fulfill my purpose. I have faith that I will have more babies. On my own. No intervention. I really feel that fertility treatments would not even be successful another time around because God has shown me what is necessary. Here I am now, not knowing what is next...not knowing when I will be able to pop in an exercise video or swipe my key at the gym. Maybe I can't exercise until I get to the point that I don't care whether I do or not...or maybe it is until a day without exercise doesn't make me feel like a hippo...or when this doesn't hurt anymore and I don't care what people think. Hypothetically, let us say that I don't exercise for a long time, so then what does that mean for diet?? At what point can I quit eating to gain? When can I quit gaining and when will my body be healed enough to run off of hunger cues rather than schedule or a meal plan? There are so many ?'s and no one can give me the answers. I am a planner. I don't like the unknown. I am a question asker and an answer seeker. I am an analyzer. I am lost here. I am painfully lost and feel pretty fluffy while fumbling around with this blindfold on.
Another thing I don't understand is how I have gotten down to my lowest weight this time around but look bigger than I did in the past. I can look back at when I was seeing the dietician and see that at one point I was skinny. Why do I look bigger now at an even lower weight? Will I ever know if I see myself correctly? I think I do, but my husband tells me I don't. This is confusing.
My best friend sent me a Bible study the other day. She literally took pictures of every page and emailed it to me. She knew what I needed and she was right. I felt like Beth Moore had written that specific chapter especially for me. Below I will write out a few quotes that stood out. I have also typed out some of the prayers to tape around the house. I read the nine pages and was so encouraged and motivated. It was a great morning, followed by a very low low. That baffled me, but as I was reminded how the devil previously could leave me on my own because I was not seeking freedom, it makes sense that he will attack each time I take a step forward. He does not want me to be free from bondage, fulfill my purpose, and he definitely does not want my husband and I to bear more children. The more godly seed brought up in this world increases the army of Christ and thwarts Satan's plans (as if his plans mean anything in the first place.) I just wonder, though, if each step forward leads to my falling down two steps, will I ever reach the top?
"The Peace of God is distant when we refuse to bow a part of our lives to His rule. Christ brings His peace where He is Prince."
I have refused to bow this part of my life to Him and have not found peace no matter my size, weight or body fat. I want Him to be Prince of my life...not just the parts I don't care to let go. I guess I have felt that I can do a better job with this part so I have kept it and tried to control it only to be unhappy and unsatisfied and infertile.
"Our physical bodies are gifts from God, gut when they control us, the result is bondage."
Living testimony right here...
"Through the might of His Holy Spirit released through the authority of his Word, we are empowered to say no to the things we should - to our excesses, withholdings, compulsions and harmful consumptions - and say yes to freedom, moderation, and better health."
Words that rang a bell - COMPULSIONS, FREEDOM, MODERATION, BETTER HEALTH
"Give yourself up to God, to the authority of His Holy Spirit."