Saturday, November 30, 2013

I debated on whether to post today because I am well...a little eehhh.  I don't necessarily feel like expressing my feelings because I want to avoid them.  I also don't want to sound like a negative Nancy. On the other hand, this is a perfect opportunity to demonstrate how my mind works...

We ate at my parents'  house and I guess I felt that I ate too much considering that I had not worked out as I always have in the past.  The whole time we sat there talking to family, I had to keep blocking out how I felt my stomach.  It felt huge and so did my thighs.  My stomach hurt for some reason.  It wasn't from eating too much because it didn't feel well before I even ate.  In my mind, though, a hurting tummy meant that it was getting fatter.  I sat there thinking about the treadmill in the basement and I wanted to exercise so bad.  Since I couldn't, I just wanted to go to bed and wake up hopefully feeling better.  It did not work.  I have felt like that all day.  I debated on popping in an exercise video, and honestly, I might would have if baby boy hadn't woke up at 5:00 this morning and needed me by his side constantly.  Poor thing still does not feel well.  I don't know if it is just my imagination or for real, but my jeans already feel tighter.  If I have already gotten bigger in less than a week, how will I be in a month?  

I have developed the strategy of trying to basically argue with myself.  I think how I feel disgusting and I tell myself that it is not possible to gain weight that fast.  After supper last night, I kept telling myself that you don't gain weight from one meal.  That is the truth unless you eat an extra 3500 calories in one meal.  That would be pretty impossible to do in even a whole day (or two or three) unless you really gave it your all.  After the strategy of arguing with myself, I start the "yeah...but..." Yeah, I may have gained a few pounds but that is the goal, right?  Yeah, my jeans may have gotten smaller after three days, but I needed to go up a size or sizes anyways.  An increase in size is inevitable; I know that.  I remember what I posted yesterday.  I NEED to increase fat. That is a good thing.  Increasing fat leads to increasing femininity.  I need the fat for the sake of hormones. I need the fat for my overall health.  In another post, I posted about the recommendation to eat 2,500 calories a day at a minimum without exercise. That said minimum. I remind myself.  I should concentrate on how those calories went to repair damage.  Yes, that will equal weight gain in the future but that is the goal. 

Even if all of these things are in my head, eventually I am going to gain weight.  Eventually I will move up in jeans size.  I was once told to mourn it and then move on.  I refuse to do this.  I don't want to mourn.  I want to not think it is a bad thing anymore.  I want to be pleased with the progression to a healthier me.  I want freedom.  I am convinced that once I am free, I will not feel these things anymore. These bad feelings will not come as they do now and instead I can just be happy living out my purpose. 

So there is my random and scattered pity party post of the day...I am about to go to bed and hope that tomorrow I wake up feeling better about this.

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