Here is a brief update regarding how I have felt the past few days....it is still the same. I am just hoping that this a phase. I hope the feelings of hugeness and the actual stomach discomfort will cease with time. Now let me shift gears...
Today's lesson in the book is called "Mothers are Influential." This just brings to light one important reason that I need to get through this no matter how hard it is. I touched on this in another blog, but after reading the study this morning, I want to concentrate on it. The author says that "We cannot produce godly children unless we are walking godly. We must keep a pure spirit free from hurts, grudges, bitterness, anger, hatred, jealousy, discontentment and grumbling." Examining myself, I can say that I am not walking godly if I am putting exercise higher on the priority list than it belongs. My spirit is not free from discontentment if I am striving relentlessly for perfection. I am not free when I am bound by these issues. Having allowed this in my heart, it grows and spreads out to affect so many aspects of my life. I need to protect my spirit, but oh God, please help me so I can guard the spirits of my children!! The author says that my attitude and the atmosphere I create in my home will be imprinted on their spirits, affecting their lives and future generations. I cannot allow this to affect my baby boy and future children's lives. I could go so far as to say that I am preventing my future babies to even come to life if I allow this addiction and worldly aspirations to saturate my being. I want to be a godly WOMAN. I want to be a godly mother. I want to raise godly children.
I want more children as this is no secret to you by now. My husband wants several more boys which is fine. I sure do delight in the one I have. More would be great. I do, however, desperately want at least one little girl. Little boys won't want to spend time with me when they get older, but a little girl will be interested in little girl things. What if...just what if...God is withholding a little girl until I can be free from this slavery. I don't want this imprinted on any child, but a girl is more susceptible. Girls feel the need to be pretty. I want my daughter to feel pretty and to value the prettiness of the soul and not measure it by her size or how in shape she is.
It is humbling to know that my attitudes permeate the atmosphere of my home and affect everybody. It will not only affect a child, but will stick with the child. I will reiterate to myself the urgency that exists for me to address this whole-heartedly. I do not need to put forth the minimum effort, but I should attack this with all of my might. The worst that can happen is that I gain weight, lose definition, lose some endurance, and have to go up in clothes size. Actually, these are inevitable. What is the best that can happen? For one, my son will not grow up with a distorted view of women. My marriage will be happier. I will be a better mommy. I will be free and happy. I will have more children with at least one little girl who will not witness an unhealthy food/exercise/body image relationship. I will please God and live out a purpose. I will disappoint the devil. The list goes on.
Let's flip it. What if I don't do anything? First off, I would be ignoring the conviction Christ is placing on me...that is a dangerous place to be. I would be telling the devil that his attack on my womb continues to be successful and be accepting that I may have no more children. I would not be being the mommy I need to be to the beautiful child I have and would also risk imprinting this on my son forever. Yes I could keep my low body fat and put on some muscle...but I would still be unhappy. I would still not be happy with my body. I would be continuing to live unhealthy while running the risk of all of the things associated with too little fat and never menstruating. The list goes on.
It appears to be a no-brainer, huh?? So when I feel guilty because I feel that I have eaten too much, I will remind myself that it is necessary for my body to repair. It is a good thing. When I feel lazy from not working out during this time period, I will tell myself how my body has to recover since all of these years I never allowed it to recover from one extreme workout to another. When I feel like I am getting fat, I know that I still don't have enough until my body is functioning as it should. When I feel bad about how my body changes, I will make an effort to change my perception of what a body should be. All of this is so much harder when I do not see the fruits yet. It feels like I am putting myself through this and experiencing the pain and discomfort for nothing. I pray to see the fruits. I pray for spiritual and emotional fruits such as seeing myself become more free and more happy. I pray for physical fruits such as a period and/or pregnancy. I would be so happy to have a period that I do not even know how crazily I would react. I can't even imagine how I would feel if I got pregnant naturally. It just doesn't even seem realistic. It would be amazing.
If you feel God is leading you to add anything to these thoughts or to my strategy for overcoming this, please do. Sometimes I am slow to realize and relate things.