This morning started out pretty good. As I scampered off to the gym, I got into somewhat of a deep thought as I drove there. I was thinking on how God seeks me out...He pursues my heart...He longs for my full attention. If He didn't, where would I be? I was thinking about how He is really tugging at me, leading me and pressuring me right now...oh the pressure I feel. It is He who is revealing to me my true sinful state and need for deliverance. He is showing me the root behind my problem. I feel it heavier and heavier every day and I guess it will continue until I "let go" as I mentioned in the previous post. My, how He loves me that He wants me to fulfill my purpose. He has led me to this point of feeling like I need to recover from HA...not just physically, but I need to spiritually. Anyways, as I thought about this, I felt a deep desire to worship. I called Him Jehovah. I whispered El Shaddai. THEN hours later, as I opened my book, the first page said EL SHADDAI - THE GOD OF THE TOTAL PROVISION in big bold letters. El which means powerful, mighty, and eternal God and Shaddai that literally means "the breasted one" is a picture of God Himself as one who longs to comfort us, protect us and nurture us. He created me in His image and put His maternal heart within me. Not even past the first page and I feel my heart pumping faster. I want to pull out a few other excerpts and respond...
I have commented to my mother before how, although I have never been very selfless, a good mother immediately develops that trait when she becomes a mother. A baby's hunger, diapers and other needs automatically precede your own. I thought I had become selfless. I am realizing I have not to the degree that God has designed. The author in the book says that you will fulfill your destiny as a woman and find true fulfillment as you reach out in loving nurture, forgetting yourself and your own needs. Other than my baby needing me to take care of his basic needs, he also needs me to take care of myself. He needs me to be happy and free. He needs me to demonstrate a woman living out her purpose as a godly mother. To be truly selfless, I need to let go of my "need" to exercise without missing a day or missing hitting my max heart rate.
The author quotes Andrew Jukes saying "The only thing needed on man's part to receive His Almightiness is the FAITH TO YIELD ONESELF TO GOD and to let Him do what He will with us. Can we so believe as to let God do what He pleases with us?" Wow. I have stated that I know what God is leading me to do. I know He wants me to be happy. I know that this obsession with my body is sinful and stands in the way of fulfilling my purpose. I have not jumped over the ledge because I am scared of how I feel or what people will think. I do not have the "faith to yield oneself to God and let Him do what He will." Ouch. I see.
"When Satan attacks motherhood through the perpetration of humanistic values, he is actually attacking the purpose of God." This sentence read in silence almost deafened me it was so loud. My dependence on working out and being a certain body fat are goals that are derived from humanistic desires to achieve this ideal based on humanistic values. What is the number one way to attack motherhood?? INFERTILITY. Should I type that again? Do I fully grasp this? These things holding me captive are from Satan. Let me clarify here that he is not pushing them on me. God wants to free me, but is requiring me to let go. Nevertheless, they are of a sinful nature which is from Satan. Thus, I am infertile. How better to attack motherhood than to nip it in the bud? Yes we circumvented this attack on fertility by using fertility medication on a reversible condition that would be reversed if I did those two dreaded things (cut exercise, gain weight) which would not be hard if I just listened to God and LET GO. So we got a child and this child makes me love motherhood more than I could ever imagine. I love being his mommy. I love him so so so much. Yet, I can't be the mommy for him that God wants me to be, if I stay captive. Allowing this attack - and let's be honest, making this attack EASY for Satan - I am not fulfilling God's purpose. Satan does not need to win here and he won't. God's purpose will be fulfilled with or without me...but I choose with me.
Here is a verse that I need to meditate on: Colossians 3:23-24, "Whatever you do, PUT YOUR WHOLE HEART AND SOUL INTO IT, as into work done for God, and not merely for men - knowing that your real reward, a heavenly one, will come from God, since you are actually EMPLOYED BY CHRIST."
At the end of the chapter is a prayer. I won't repeat the whole thing, but I will say that I felt like it was written especially for me to pray. As I recited the words, tears streamed down. As I said Amen, I felt lighter.
I know I will study another chapter tomorrow and will read the scripture. I know I will pray specifically for the ability to embrace motherhood and fulfill this purpose whole-heartedly. I don't know if I will exercise tomorrow. I don't know because tomorrow morning, I am not going to wake up with that being first. I have never questioned if I would have time for my work out, because I did it first. Tomorrow morning is going to be different. I am going to be in the Word first. I am letting go. This will be just as hard each and every day following. It will be a struggle to not grasp for control. I have to keep reminding myself that if I keep choosing to release control, I will see the fruits. I trust this with all of my heart and soul. It makes my heart leap with excitement for what is to come.