Today is Friday
and it isn't any easier. As a matter of fact, it is really hard right now. I don't even want to write about it but maybe writing through some things will help.
It is weird to me that I don't even have to look in the mirror or step on the scale for my self esteem to take a huge blow. When I don't work out, I automatically "feel" myself getting softer. I feel so blah. On top of that, my continuing to eat 2,500+ calories causes me to "feel" the weight gain coming at an alarming rate. I don't even have to look in the mirror to know things are changing...I can "feel" it. Even if I did look in the mirror to assess the situation, it would already be in my mind what I would see and that is what I would see. Notice I put "feel" in quotation marks. Why did I do that? Well because I don't know what is real anymore other than how I feel. The way I feel is real to me which is why no matter how many times I hear otherwise, I can't believe it. My feelings are the most real so I can find an explanation for any contradicting thing that I hear.
When I know that I have eaten more that my energy needs (refraining from using the word "overeat"), then I feel bad about myself. If you have ever wondered how anyone can restrict, let me tell you. In the past, if at the end of the day I could go over what I ate in my mind and know that I ate less than the day before, then I would consider myself as having done "good." I would be very proud of this. I would congratulate myself for being disciplined. While when I eat like I am now, I go to bed at the end of the day just wanting to forget about it because I feel disgusting. I know I need to eat this much to heal. I know this is good for me. I surely don't feel like it though...which leads me back to the desire to see the fruits of this effort. It seems as if this time of no exercise/eating more is punishment of some sort. I know I have got to do this. I know it was God that led me to make this step. I just feel like it is a time of "breaking" me. Maybe that is the point. Maybe God is having to "break" me down in order to heal me.
I know that this post showcases once again my struggles with pride and vanity. I know that God's word is REAL so shouldn't that cancel out those "feelings" I vented about? Furthermore, it is apparent that I am being pretty impatient. I have 13 years of living like this and I want God to show me fruits after 2 weeks of effort when if I had listened to Him long ago then none of this would have even been necessary. I act like I deserve to see positive effects...that I deserve healing. I don't. I am thankful God doesn't give me what I deserve because it would not be pretty. That being said, although I deserve nothing that is good, I KNOW that God is going to heal me. I need to just be patient and let Him do it on His time. Why can't I just trust His timing and feel good about the changes in the meantime? Pray I get there.