Friday, December 6, 2013

Today is Friday

and it isn't any easier.  As a matter of fact, it is really hard right now.  I don't even want to write about it but maybe writing through some things will help.

It is weird to me that I don't even have to look in the mirror or step on the scale for my self esteem to take a huge blow.  When I don't work out, I automatically "feel" myself getting softer.  I feel so blah.  On top of that, my continuing to eat 2,500+ calories causes me to "feel" the weight gain coming at an alarming rate.  I don't even have to look in the mirror to know things are changing...I can "feel" it.  Even if I did look in the mirror to assess the situation, it would already be in my mind what I would see and that is what I would see.  Notice I put "feel" in quotation marks.  Why did I do that? Well because I don't know what is real anymore other than how I feel.  The way I feel is real to me which is why no matter how many times I hear otherwise, I can't believe it.  My feelings are the most real so I can find an explanation for any contradicting thing that I hear.

When I know that I have eaten more that my energy needs (refraining from using the word "overeat"), then I feel bad about myself.  If you have ever wondered how anyone can restrict, let me tell you.  In the past, if at the end of the day I could go over what I ate in my mind and know that I ate less than the day before, then I would consider myself as having done "good."  I would be very proud of this.  I would congratulate myself for being disciplined. While when I eat like I am now, I go to bed at the end of the day just wanting to forget about it because I feel disgusting.  I know I need to eat this much to heal.  I know this is good for me.  I surely don't feel like it though...which leads me back to the desire to see the fruits of this effort.  It seems as if this time of no exercise/eating more is punishment of some sort.  I know I have got to do this.  I know it was God that led me to make this step.  I just feel like it is a time of "breaking" me.  Maybe that is the point.  Maybe God is having to "break" me down in order to heal me. 

I know that this post showcases once again my struggles with pride and vanity.  I know that God's word is REAL so shouldn't that cancel out those "feelings" I vented about?  Furthermore, it is apparent that I am being pretty impatient.  I have 13 years of living like this and I want God to show me fruits after 2 weeks of effort when if I had listened to Him long ago then none of this would have even been necessary.  I act like I deserve to see positive effects...that I deserve healing.  I don't. I am thankful God doesn't give me what I deserve because it would not be pretty.  That being said, although I deserve nothing that is good, I KNOW that God is going to heal me.  I need to just be patient and let Him do it on His time.  Why can't I just trust His timing and feel good about the changes in the meantime?  Pray I get there.

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