I am trying to be postitive...
but I am not going to lie, it is hard. This is why I didn't post at all yesterday. I knew I would sound like a broken record. I know people get tired of hearing it, but to be fair, no one can be as tired of hearing it as I am of feeling this way. I just wonder why it is getting harder every day at this point? Will that change directions at some point, and if so, when?? I feel pretty bad about myself. I try to avoid the mirror. I do not like this feeling of not having control. I feel very scared and panicky. Yes, I could go on about what I don't like about all of this, but today I want to think of what I DO like.
Prior to the past 9 days, I would nurse my toodlebug around 3:30ish AM, give or take. I would wait until he went back to sleep and I would sneak up. I knew that if I wanted to be positive I got to work out then I needed to right then. I would eat a bite, work out and then be rushed to get a shower before he woke up. My mornings were very rushed which is silly because most days we didn't (and don't) even go anywhere. If you know me well, you know that I HATE feeling rushed or like there is not enough time. This makes me ILL. Often my baby boy would wake up in the middle of my workout. I would pause my video which caused much frustration. I really dislike any breaks during a workout that allows my heart rate to drop. However, I did what I must and I truly did (and always do) SO enjoy lying there with him so much that I would not want to get up. Of course, I did though. As soon as he drifted back to sleep, I would sneak up again. Each morning I did this no matter how tired I was. Many mornings I would be exhausted from no sleep and my body would feel dead tired or it might would still be sore from the workout I did many days before. This was my cue to rest or to do an easier workout that day. I refused to take the cues and continued to push my body.
What about the past 9 days? I feel no need to struggle to keep my eyes open during the 3:30 feeding. I drift back to sleep with him and then get up when I wake again. So far that has never been later than 5:00, and is usually closer to 4:00 or 4:30 but I actually feel like I have slept in. He has had several days that he has woke up earlier than normal. I (JOYFULLY not frustrated) rush into the room when I hear him awaking and will try to get him back to sleep if it is way early but if he doesn't seem interested, then we start playing earlier than normal. As you know, I have been replacing my workouts with Bible study during this time. I can't tell you how right that feels. I feel growth. I am learning more about who I should be as a Christian, a wife and a mommy. I feel God working on my heart. Putting exercising at the top of my to-do each morning as I did and then possibly never having alone time with God throughout the day leaves no time to allow God to teach and guide. Those mornings were "noisy" in my head and never quietened down enough to hear that still small voice.
So while I feel that aesthetically I am going downhill fast (like a snowball and growing like one, too), maybe I am getting closer to who God has called me to be. Yes physical training is good, but not when more time is devoted to it than spiritual training.
1 Timothy 4:8-9
New International Version (NIV)