Did It Work??
...not so much. I still feel the fat sitting copiously on numerous areas of my body. I also really miss exercising. I miss getting my heart rate up. Despite the sinful part of me that feels like I have to, it is true that I do enjoy exercising. I love lifting weights. I love short bursts of intensity like plyometrics and sprints. The only times I don't enjoy it is when I know my body is telling me it doesn't feel like it, like when I am sleepy and choose exercise over sleep. I don't enjoy it when I am sick and need rest or when my body feels overtrained and needs to recover. If my body is well, though, I truly enjoy working out. If I didn't, I would not have persisted long enough to let it turn into what it has. I miss it. I am trying to be careful with this ache I feel for exercising, though. I need to use the painful ache to further mold me. I know that I do not need to count down the days until I am done with the Bible study or day dream about what workout I will do. That does not need to be my focus. I need to focus on the study and how I can grow from it. I know that not everyone who knows about my issue sees it for what it is. It is simply black and white to them: I need to gain some weight and cut exercise. Easy Peasy. To these people, it may seem that I am being a little bit extremist by cutting the exercising completely for the 24 (I think) days of the study. Afterall, I have never gone as long as I have already gone (5 days) without working out except for when I was on bed rest and about 1.5 weeks after my little blessing was born. They would be partially right if they said it wouldn't hurt anything for me to work out a few times a week and just cut back the intensity. It is true that it wouldn't hurt my fertility...or so I believe...as long as it was cut enough to still allow my body to heal. There are the other people (who are few as far as I know) that do see this for what it is - a sin problem. Let me interject here and say that I would not see it this way had God not revealed that to me. The people that see it as a sin problem would not see this as being over zealous. Instead, I think they may see the situation as urgent, and this particular response as necessary. God has been convicting me of this. That is why all of the sudden it became so heavy on my soul. I don't think God plays around so for Him to lay the conviction on me, He has got to mean business. That gives me chills and tears at the same time. My God is a loving God, but I fear Him. I am going to take this seriously. I recognize the situation's exigency and do not feel that I can afford to delay.
I said above that I went without working out while on bed rest. Actually, even then I didn't totally go without working out. I did a little arm routine while sitting on the couch. While I did do this daily, it was still incredibly light compared to what I am used to. How did I get through it? I had a baby inside of me that I knew I had to protect. I need to get it in my head that what I am doing now is for the health of others as well. It is for my baby so he has the mommy he deserves. I don't need to pollute his mind with the toxic thoughts I have about myself. It is also for my future babies that I believe God will give me when I heal. It is for my marriage so that I can be the wife God has called me to be. These loved ones do not need my affections split between them and my addiction.
After baby boy was born, I didn't do anything but eat, sleep and nurse for over a week and I had NO guilt. I even remember saying that I was healed. I was amazed by that. I listened to my body. I put nourishing my baby first and all felt right. I was not concerned with the fact that I was physically unable to bust out into a work out routine. Once I started feeling physically able, I started incorporating exercise back in when I could. That quickly turned into doing something 7 days a week. Then I felt my old ways returning and here I am. Is this a coincidence that the thoughts came back as I started back working out? I don't know. I do find it interesting nonetheless. I guess I could compare it with alcoholics who quit drinking. They have to be careful because if they slip and take a drink, they will most likely go back to "needing" alcohol.
I pray that something changes before I see the weight gain on the scale so that I rejoice over the pounds instead of mourning them. Maybe if I learn to block out the negative thoughts and combat them with truths, then the cycle will eventually break and those thoughts will no longer be automatic and habitual.