I debated on whether to post today because I am well...a little eehhh.  I don't necessarily feel like expressing my feelings because I want to avoid them.  I also don't want to sound like a negative Nancy. On the other hand, this is a perfect opportunity to demonstrate how my mind works...

We ate at my parents'  house and I guess I felt that I ate too much considering that I had not worked out as I always have in the past.  The whole time we sat there talking to family, I had to keep blocking out how I felt my stomach.  It felt huge and so did my thighs.  My stomach hurt for some reason.  It wasn't from eating too much because it didn't feel well before I even ate.  In my mind, though, a hurting tummy meant that it was getting fatter.  I sat there thinking about the treadmill in the basement and I wanted to exercise so bad.  Since I couldn't, I just wanted to go to bed and wake up hopefully feeling better.  It did not work.  I have felt like that all day.  I debated on popping in an exercise video, and honestly, I might would have if baby boy hadn't woke up at 5:00 this morning and needed me by his side constantly.  Poor thing still does not feel well.  I don't know if it is just my imagination or for real, but my jeans already feel tighter.  If I have already gotten bigger in less than a week, how will I be in a month?  

I have developed the strategy of trying to basically argue with myself.  I think how I feel disgusting and I tell myself that it is not possible to gain weight that fast.  After supper last night, I kept telling myself that you don't gain weight from one meal.  That is the truth unless you eat an extra 3500 calories in one meal.  That would be pretty impossible to do in even a whole day (or two or three) unless you really gave it your all.  After the strategy of arguing with myself, I start the "yeah...but..." Yeah, I may have gained a few pounds but that is the goal, right?  Yeah, my jeans may have gotten smaller after three days, but I needed to go up a size or sizes anyways.  An increase in size is inevitable; I know that.  I remember what I posted yesterday.  I NEED to increase fat. That is a good thing.  Increasing fat leads to increasing femininity.  I need the fat for the sake of hormones. I need the fat for my overall health.  In another post, I posted about the recommendation to eat 2,500 calories a day at a minimum without exercise. That said minimum. I remind myself.  I should concentrate on how those calories went to repair damage.  Yes, that will equal weight gain in the future but that is the goal. 

Even if all of these things are in my head, eventually I am going to gain weight.  Eventually I will move up in jeans size.  I was once told to mourn it and then move on.  I refuse to do this.  I don't want to mourn.  I want to not think it is a bad thing anymore.  I want to be pleased with the progression to a healthier me.  I want freedom.  I am convinced that once I am free, I will not feel these things anymore. These bad feelings will not come as they do now and instead I can just be happy living out my purpose. 

So there is my random and scattered pity party post of the day...I am about to go to bed and hope that tomorrow I wake up feeling better about this.

I missed posting yesterday because my baby felt bad and needed my attention non stop.  I wasn't sure where to go with this post because I had so many things rustling around in my head yesterday.  I guess I will just start and see where I end up.

As seen in the previous post, I have been struggling with the decision of whether I needed to say no to working out for X amount of time or if I could actually recover by just limiting it.  One wise person I spoke with suggested that I don't work out at all while I go through the Bible study.  I spoke with my husband about what I should do and he just said that just as God is leading me in this heart change, He will guide me through every part of it.  Thus, he just said that God would show me and then he said that he thinks I already know but I just keep grasping at straws.  After these conversations and listening intently for guidance, I have decided not to work out while I do the Bible study.  When it is finished, I will re-evaluate where my heart is and what and how I can incorporate working out in a godly fashion.  This isn't to say that I have warded off walking or that I will move as little as possible.  This is to say that I am not doing anything for the purpose of exercise.  When I feel the desire, I will seek more spiritual training.  "For physical training is of some value (useful for a little), but godliness (spiritual training) is useful and of value in everything and in every way, for it holds promise for the present life and also for the life which is to come. This saying is reliable and worthy of complete acceptance by everybody." 1 Timothy 4:8-9

So yes this decision scares the beejeebees out of me...especially during the holiday season!! I will have to surrender my work out over again every day and who knows when it will get easier. I am afraid of how fast I will gain weight and how much I will gain.  What if in a month or two, people comment on how I have packed on the pounds? (Side note:  Be sure that if you tell someone you can tell they have gained weight that they are ready to hear it.  If they haven't gained much or haven't gained any, they will feel bad because it is already obvious.  This validates one of our biggest fears surrounding gaining weight - you can SEE. EVERY. SINGLE. POUND. so the necessary amount will look like you swallowed the Michelin Man.)  I have always been a pro at compensating...which kicks in restrictive eating mode but I CANNOT allow that to happen here.  I have to go on eating the same amount so I will GAIN (ugh) weight.  I have to hold myself accountable and allow others to help me do so as well.  I am sure many dieticians would disagree and who am I to argue, but I do believe that weight gained through wholesome foods will look different than that gained off of processed and/or sugary junk.  I tell myself that anyways.

This leads me down another avenue....FEMINITY (i.e. "having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with women").  Hmmmm.  One of my struggles is the struggle with being feminine.  I would have thought that sounded absurd years, months or even days ago.  God showed me, though, as I can count on Him to do.  You can look at men and women and see that we were made differently.  Men were made to be leaner hence the higher metabolism.  They are made to be stronger as seen in their greater ease in gaining muscle.  Let's look at the ACE body fat percentage chart and author commentary found on http://www.builtlean.com/2010/08/03/ideal-body-fat-percentage-chart/ :

 "As you can see, women have a higher body fat percentage relative to men for a given level. Women have more fat because of physiological differences such as hormones, breasts, and sexual organs. In addition, women need a higher amount of body fat for ovulation.

“Essential fat” is the minimum amount of fat necessary for basic physical and physiological health. There is a lot of controversy over what amount of body fat is optimal for overall health. A research paper by Gallagher et. al. in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition (2000) came to the conclusion that certain low body fat ranges are “underfat”, which implies “unhealthy”.² According to this research paper, men who are between 20-40 years old with under 8% body fat are considered “underfat”, whereas a “healthy” range is described as between 8-19%. For women in this same age group, any level under 21% is “underfat” and 21-33% is considered 'healthy'"

Let's address where I am....The highest I have ever been at testing since working out was around 17%.  I have been at 7.9% (tested by a dietician) and the last time I got it checked, I was at 9%.  I am leaner now than I was then.  I miss the healthy range by a long shot (21-33%). Not only is that unhealthy, it is UNFEMININE.  Women were not made to have low body fat.  If we were, then our bodies would carry on their functions without hiccup.  Carrying an extra low body fat is against God's design.  When I see this stuff in black and white, I honestly feel like I want to welcome the curves and the pounds with open arms.  Bring it on!!!!!  The sinful thoughts soon follow.  The world has such a distorted view and I find myself wanting to meet the world's standards.  I worry about what people who value the unbiblical characteristics will think.  Why?!?!?!? Why do I care? Pride. Sinful pride.  Since when has making women more masculine become beautiful or making them look unhealthy skinny become sexy?  Have you ever thought of what Bathsheeba must have looked like?  Apparently she was incredibly beautiful.  I dare say that you probably could NOT count her abs, or ribs for that matter, nor could you see her veins.  I am sure she didn't have much or any muscular definition.  She probably had curves and maybe, just maybe, a little cellulite if you looked closely enough.  I know that was all random, but I just got to thinking about that yesterday.  Needless to say, I have let the world define what I should strive for, not the Bible.  Furthermore, I give too much thought into what others think.  I am afraid to gain weight because of what others will think when my own husband (the only person who even sees me naked and the only person who needs to find me attractive) has been begging me to gain weight.  He tells me I am beautiful despite what everyone else sees YET he still sees that I need to gain weight.  My mom and step dad sincerely want me to gain weight.  My baby boy needs me to be healthy.  My unborn children need me to be healthy so I can conceive them and live healthy - mind, body and spirit - in front of them so that I don't lead them into the same misguided thinking.  These are the people who love me the most.  Why do I care what the world thinks?  I am not living for the world.  I am living for God, first and foremost, and then for the loved ones He has placed and will place in my life to serve.

Any thoughts to add to this?

Reaching

Do you know how it feel when you wake up in the night thirsty?  You are dead asleep and the movement to reach for the cup is such a dreaded one.  It would be so much easier to lie where you are although you know how good that water will be.  That is kind of how I feel this morning.  I feel like I am reaching for my blessings, but it would be so much easier to lie here without making any changes.  That is what scares me that I may shrink back tomorrow or the next day.  I wish I could get over the hard part. I wish I could get over the 10+ pounds I need to gain and over the shock of what I see in the mirror.  I wish that was behind me, yet I have only just started.  So here are a few things I am debating...is it enough, at this point, to just not know when my workouts will come in and scaling back on the intensity when they do?  Or should I go through something akin to a "spiritual detox," if you will, by abstaining from working out for a week, two weeks, a month and then start back at a lesser intensity?  Can I scale down right now and be effective or do I need to hit the reset button?  If you say reset button, what does that mean? How long to reset?  Next, I had planned to make a plan because that is what I do...I plan.  I then wondered if I adhere to a new plan...is that not all I will be doing - creating a new minimum, a new "do or die" or a new expectation?

Can working out ever be done "for God?"  I have seen some people say that is why they do it.  I see that that may be the case for some...if their hearts are really right. I agree that God wants us to take care of our bodies, but we must be cautious that everything stays in its right place. I admit that there have been plenty of times that I started my workout praying a prayer that the work out was for God and His glory.  In my case, it was like saying "This is for you God!!  We both get what we want...I get a little leaner and you get a little worship too. We both win."  I probably didn't even read my Bible a lot of those days. There was no worship going on while I was doing my squats. Rolling my eyes.  Can we call something with a selfish agenda worship?  Why no, we cannot.  That was not worship. I was worshiping my temple and just tying a pretty bow on top.  The Bible says that even our best is filthy rags; I would hate to see what that looked like to God. It probably stunk to high heavens...pun intended.

On to the book...

Chapter two of the book does not disappoint.  The author says, "God has designed our whole reproductive cycle especially for us.  Because it is His design and purpose for us, we should embrace it with all of our hearts.  We should not resist it.  We should embrace every part of our reproductive system..."  My reproductive system as been "out of order" for years except for those two cycles I had after gaining some weight years ago and the conception of my son.  My reproductive system was prodded with medicinal intervention and medical supervision to achieve conception though.  My reproductive system is not working properly due to sin.  I am living out of God's design.  It is not His design to be of low body fat. That is not feminine.  It is not His design to live in a constant state of amenhorrea.  The author goes on to say that "we must positively seek to protect our womb.  THERE IS AN UNPRECEDENTED ATTACK AGAINST THE WOMBS OF WOMEN TODAY THAT IS INSTIGATED BY THE ENEMY...SATAN HATES THE WOMB."  There it is again.  The attack.  The enemy.  I am standing up against Satan and his attacks.  Like I said, I have made it so easy for him that he doesn't even have to spend time on me...as he is only one and not omnipresent like the Lord.  He sends his minions out, but he has not had a need to waste resources on me. He probably just cheers me on from time to time.  No more.  Satan you are weak, and with Christ, I am strong.  My God has a purpose for me and I will deny it NO MORE.  You win no more battles. I am putting on the armor of Christ that HE has laid out for me to fight and win this battle but I have been consistently denying. I put it on. I fight. I will win. Praise God, I will win.

There are so many things in this chapter I want to address.  Instead I will just say you need to read the book if you aren't already.  I do have to quote a few other places "The womb is a powerful weapon against Satan.  The greatest threat to Satan in this world is godly parents who understand God's intentions and who will bring forth and train a godly seed to fulfill His eternal plans....Pray for the health of your womb.  A beautiful ministry that a husband can do is to regularly pray over and bless the womb on his wife."

Tuesday's Revelations

This morning started out pretty good.  As I scampered off to the gym, I got into somewhat of a deep thought as I drove there.  I was thinking on how God seeks me out...He pursues my heart...He longs for my full attention.  If He didn't, where would I be?  I was thinking about how He is really tugging at me, leading me and pressuring me right now...oh the pressure I feel. It is He who is revealing to me my true sinful state and need for deliverance.  He is showing me the root behind my problem.  I feel it heavier and heavier every day and I guess it will continue until I "let go" as I mentioned in the previous post.  My, how He loves me that He wants me to fulfill my purpose.  He has led me to this point of feeling like I need to recover from HA...not just physically, but I need to spiritually.  Anyways, as I thought about this, I felt a deep desire to worship.  I called Him Jehovah.  I whispered El Shaddai.  THEN hours later, as I opened my book, the first page said EL SHADDAI - THE GOD OF THE TOTAL PROVISION in big bold letters.  El which means powerful, mighty, and eternal God and Shaddai that literally means "the breasted one" is a picture of God Himself as one who longs to comfort us, protect us and nurture us.  He created me in His image and put His maternal heart within me.  Not even past the first page and I feel my heart pumping faster.  I want to pull out a few other excerpts and respond...

I have commented to my mother before how, although I have never been very selfless, a good mother immediately develops that trait when she becomes a mother.  A baby's hunger, diapers and other needs automatically precede your own.  I thought I had become selfless.  I am realizing I have not to the degree that God has designed.  The author in the book says that you will fulfill your destiny as a woman and find true fulfillment as you reach out in loving nurture, forgetting yourself and your own needs.  Other than my baby needing me to take care of his basic needs, he also needs me to take care of myself.  He needs me to be happy and free.  He needs me to demonstrate a woman living out her purpose as a godly mother.  To be truly selfless, I need to let go of my "need" to exercise without missing a day or missing hitting my max heart rate.  

The author quotes Andrew Jukes saying "The only thing needed on man's part to receive His Almightiness is the FAITH TO YIELD ONESELF TO GOD and to let Him do what He will with us. Can we so believe as to let God do what He pleases with us?"  Wow.  I have stated that I know what God is leading me to do.  I know He wants me to be happy.  I know that this obsession with my body is sinful and stands in the way of fulfilling my purpose.  I have not jumped over the ledge because I am scared of how I feel or what people will think.  I do not have the "faith to yield oneself to God and let Him do what He will."  Ouch.  I see. 

"When Satan attacks motherhood through the perpetration of humanistic values, he is actually attacking the purpose of God."  This sentence read in silence almost deafened me it was so loud.  My dependence on working out and being a certain body fat are goals that are derived from humanistic desires to achieve this ideal based on humanistic values.  What is the number one way to attack motherhood?? INFERTILITY. Should I type that again?  Do I fully grasp this?  These things holding me captive are from Satan.  Let me clarify here that he is not pushing them on me.  God wants to free me, but is requiring me to let go. Nevertheless, they are of a sinful nature which is from Satan.  Thus, I am infertile.  How better to attack motherhood than to nip it in the bud?  Yes we circumvented this attack on fertility by using fertility medication on a reversible condition that would be reversed if I did those two dreaded things (cut exercise, gain weight) which would not be hard if I just listened to God and LET GO.  So we got a child and this child makes me love motherhood more than I could ever imagine.  I love being his mommy.  I love him so so so much.  Yet, I can't be the mommy for him that God wants me to be, if I stay captive.  Allowing this attack - and let's be honest, making this attack EASY for Satan - I am not fulfilling God's purpose.  Satan does not need to win here and he won't.  God's purpose will be fulfilled with or without me...but I choose with me.

Here is a verse that I need to meditate on: Colossians 3:23-24, "Whatever you do, PUT YOUR WHOLE HEART AND SOUL INTO IT, as into work done for God, and not merely for men - knowing that your real reward, a heavenly one, will come from God, since you are actually EMPLOYED BY CHRIST."

At the end of the chapter is a prayer.  I won't repeat the whole thing, but I will say that I felt like it was written especially for me to pray.  As I recited the words, tears streamed down.  As I said Amen, I felt lighter.

I know I will study another chapter tomorrow and will read the scripture.  I know I will pray specifically for the ability to embrace motherhood and fulfill this purpose whole-heartedly.  I don't know if I will exercise tomorrow.  I don't know because tomorrow morning, I am not going to wake up with that being first.  I have never questioned if I would have time for my work out, because I did it first. Tomorrow morning is going to be different. I am going to be in the Word first. I am letting go.  This will be just as hard each and every day following. It will be a struggle to not grasp for control.  I have to keep reminding myself that if I keep choosing to release control, I will see the fruits.  I trust this with all of my heart and soul.  It makes my heart leap with excitement for what is to come.

Let It Go

My sweet little guy is napping.  I am tired and could have napped had I not been so hungry so I got up and fixed myself some lunch.  I had an avocado and cheese sandwich on some homemade sprouted bread with black beans and homemade sweet potato fries.  It was yummy, but now I would love some Starbucks coffee!  After eating, I opened up a book I got in the mail.  It is a Bible study book called Power of Motherhood.  I read the introduction and hope to start the first lesson tomorrow.  I really needed a study such as this because I have not been in the Word as I should have been ever since Amos was born.  It is hard to have quiet time with a little one.  I am lucky if I get to read a blog post...or now write one either.  I was thinking on this and how I don't have time and then I felt ashamed.  I work out first thing in the morning so I know I will have time.  I get up before my toodlebug does and start my workout.  Sometimes I have to take a break to get him back to sleep if he wakes up, but I still get it done.  I think that as I recover from hypothalamic amenhorrea, God will really use it to refine me.  I hope that this book opens my eyes and my heart so that I truly believe that it really does not matter what I weigh in the grand scheme of things.  I would say without hesitation that being a mommy is far more precious than a six pack is...so why am I having such a hard time giving it up in order to naturally conceive more children.  I get so caught up in the details (weight, body fat, work out routines, what people think, etc.) that I forget the big picture.  It is simple as what would I rather have - more children or my abs.  Who do I want to be - a godly mother or someone who is daily chasing something that is not attainable.  Living for attention and striving for perfection is idol worship.  God gave me a temple to use for worship and in a way, I have been worshiping the temple itself.  Just look at how I spent my time...look at how passionate I was about it.  It is prideful and self-consuming.  I look back and I can say that I have done the fitness thing.  I have been the personal trainer and the fitness instructor.  I have been in a magazine and received the compliments.  I am on to a new season of life now.  It will be a happier one, more fulfilling.  It will be living out a purpose.  Now I can see that the "fit" season has been gone for a while.  I am the only person who still finds my identity there. My body is so worn down and no longer muscular and strong.  It could only take so much. This shows me that I have been in limbo...still clinging to this old me...this idea of what I should look like/exercise like and not letting go and letting God set me in a new season.  I am still between seasons. I enjoy more than anything the pieces of the new season I can touch currently (being a mommy/enjoying my family).  The pieces of the old season drag me down and keep me from fully enjoying all of the blessings God has for me.  It is preventing me from being the daughter of Christ that He has designed me to be.  It is keeping me from naturally conceiving more children. It steals my happiness.  I wish I could just let go.  I type this with tears.  God wants me to be happy and free.  I am the one keeping myself in captivity.  I do feel that as God shows me how my sinful nature and desires are interfering with my happiness and as I read about other people overcoming HA, I feel like I get a little more courage.  I said before how I was so afraid people would think I let myself go if I gain some weight, but that is exactly what I need to do...I KNOW I need to just LET GO. 

But how???

Early Morning Thoughts

I mentioned briefly in a previous post about how I was happy with my body before I started working out and paying attention to where every calorie came from.  It is so rare for a female to feel good about her body, but I did. I didn't think I was perfect, but I didn't wish to change anything.  I ate freely, too. I ate what I liked and as much as I wanted. I am glad I don't eat the things I use to, but I wish I could be free again.  Not long after I started working out, things shifted.  As I said before, my mind started changing, too.  From that point on, I would never feel good enough.  There would always be too much fat here or there and not enough another place.  I would want more definition one day, and be bummed that a particular muscle wasn't bigger the next day.  Stress began to accompany eating.  For a long time, I was scared to death of eating fat.  I avoided it.  It wasn't until after college that I started eating fats.  Funny thing is, when I did, I lost more weight...and quickly at that.  Then I went into a stage where I would not eat ANYTHING that had not been prepared by me.  I would not eat it if it was not a "whole" food.  I made my own everything...and it was exhausting.  I worked out everyday, had to make every food and snack I ate, and still had to find time to do well at my full time job and being a wife.  I feel like I am in such a better place with food now.  Yes, it is very important to me to prepare as much of our snacks as possible and to prepare real, whole foods.  I will not ever change that.  I want to be healthy and more importantly, I want my family to be healthy.  The difference is that now, if I eat an m&m, a wheat thin or get a latte with skim milk, I won't feel like I am about to die from the artificial stuff.  I will not question how every food is prepared when I go to a get-together. I will go out to eat with a friend or my husband and I will enjoy it!!  I believe that the 80/20 rule has merit.  I probably live more 90/10 a lot of the time, but 80/20 would not cause me any shame.

I got off track with where I was going.  I find it strange that being obsessively dedicated to working out and eating a spic and span diet has made me less happy....less happy with myself, my appearance, and really just in general.  I was satisfied with what I saw in the mirror before the hard work started changing the reflection and I started spending so much of my time trying to perfect it.  Perfection is not attainable. Why does anyone spend so much time and happiness trying?

HA Prescription

No matter what I read, the prescription for recovery is the same: eat more and exercise less.  Apparently, in order for your body to heal, you have to provide it with an over abundance of calories and a lot of rest.  Here are some fears I have...I fear gaining weight.  I think it would be a lot easier if I could wear a sign that says "I have to gain weight so I can have babies."  Then I think people would look on that and encourage me.  I fear that since people don't know, then they will think I have let myself go.  I fear cutting back on exercise because it is such a part of who I am.  Just walking or doing light workouts are not me...never have been.  Who will I be? Once again, I don't want people to think I have become less dedicated.  I know that these fears are probably silly and really no one cares if I gain weight or skip a workout.  I told my mom these fears and she said that people talk about me now and say that I look sick.  In actuality, people probably don't think I work out anymore anyways because I look so frail.

So let's talk food...

 

Am I Restricting?

No. I am not and have not been. Granted, it took a little while to realize how much food I actually needed to nurse and exercise and just live, but I eat plenty now.  Months ago I started striving for 2,500 + calories and finally quit losing weight.  If you looked in my pantry and fridge, you would not see skim or low fat things.  Instead, you would see that I buy coconut oil by the gallon, the two pounds of grass-fed and raw butter in my fridge, gallons of raw milk, 40 lbs of peanuts, almonds, walnuts and seeds, homemade peanut butter and almond butter, sunbutter, eggs galore, home-milled grains, sprouted bread, lots of vegetables and fruit, etc.  You get the picture.  I eat a traditional, whole foods diet not skimping on any food group.  I roll my eyes at the low fat or low carb diets.  Saying all of that, I eat a good diet and since increasing my calories, I eat enough to maintain.  I guess gaining is now the goal though so good and enough is not good enough.  One thing I read said that I need 2,500 + calories with absolutely zero exercise. Yikes.  According to it, the body needs the extra calories to repair damage done that is unbeknownst to me...things on the inside that I don't even know are going on.  I see that 13 years of depriving my body and overworking it could do damage and maybe I really don't even want to know the specifics.  For now, I am carrying on with my intense workouts and schedule until I can get a game plan.  As far as food goes, I have taken the good step...

Over three weeks ago, I spoke with a woman who deals with holistic nutrition and medication.  She is pretty awesome as she is also a midwife.  She believes that if I can get up to 110 pounds (I am 5'6") and am eating PLENTY of healthy fats, then I can probably regain fertility.  Since then, I have been intentional on increasing my fats.  I also started drinking a minimum of 1 cup of raw milk daily.  It is delicious so it is not that hard.  Beforehand, I drank only almond milk which I still drink it as well as the raw milk.  I don't do store bought milk because I just do not like the taste of pasteurized and homogenized whole milk.  This all has been a good step though.  Although I think I see the pounds packing on at an unreal rate, the scale says differently.  I have to try to block out these thoughts.  Plus, my mom told me that just since I have been drinking raw milk regularly, I look better...I believe her description was "less hollow and dead."  Mom's compliments are the best, aren't they?  One thing I can count on is her to be real with me, and I appreciate that so much.  So progress?? I think I can call it that.

Oh and the scale thing...I am committing to not weigh more often than once a month and will maybe get the courage to not weigh at all one day.  I weigh at the gym since my husband won't allow me to own a scale...smart man...

So What is This All About??

I have never written a blog before.  I do not like the whole world to know everything about me.  However, I have decided it might be therapeutic to start blogging.  I don't know if anyone will even read this, and frankly, that is fine by me at this point...I think. Why am I all of the sudden blogging?  Let me tell you...

I have struggled with fertility issues all of my life.  I was always suspect that it had to do with the very low body fat that I have always been adamant about maintaining, or the heart pumping workouts that I have done consistently over the past 13 years, or the restrictive eating habits that I perpetrated for a lot of that time.  Without going into a forever long history (which I might do one day if I get a single reader who is interested in knowing), I will sum up the past briefly.  At 15 years of age, I was incredibly happy with my body...a little too pleased some might argue.  I decided to start working out just for fun.  It wasn't long that not only my body was changing, but my mind was changing as well.  I never needed to lose weight, but as I started getting compliments on muscle tone and such, I became addicted.  I am very type A personality.  Less than two years later, my cycle began acting up and eventually disappeared.  This was fine by me. Who enjoys that monthly visit anyways?? I am running the risk of going into too much detail so I will try to get back into synopsis mode.  Most of the past 13 years I have had a healthy BMI and looked healthy because of the amount of muscle I carried.  The lack of adequate fat and my workout routines and poor diet were hard on my body, though.  When I got married and started work, I began restrictive eating because I could no longer workout 2-3 hours a day like I could in college.  I added a little running to my workouts and without enough nourishment, even my muscles started breaking down.  I started seeing a dietician and a therapist.  After gaining a little weight, I got a monthly visit.  That thing which I said good riddance to years before was now a cause for jumping up and down and calling almost everyone I knew.  The progress seemed to be too slow for my desire to be a mommy, so we went for help.  The fertility doctor diagnosed me with Hypothalamic Amenhorrea.  This is where the story starts getting to my point.  HA is basically when there is a disruption in hormone production by the hypothalamus because it deems that your body is unsafe to carry a child.  The doctor prescribed treatment with injectables and after the first try, we were pregnant.  We now have a beautifully perfect child. As the name of the blog implies, I want many more of these beautiful blessings; however, nursing and my intense workouts have made me skinnier than ever.  Once my fat had burned off, my muscles started disappearing next.  So we are getting closer to the point....I want to be fertile.  I want to get pregnant.  I want to do this naturally this time.  I want my body to be healthy.  The how-to's of recovery of this condition/eating disorder/stinking thinking are particularly hard for me, though.  I am going to blog through this.  I am not going to post what I eat every day or every detail of my life, but I am going to blog through strategies, feelings and fears, and progress.

I hope this helps me and maybe even someone else along the way...