Early Morning Thoughts

I mentioned briefly in a previous post about how I was happy with my body before I started working out and paying attention to where every calorie came from.  It is so rare for a female to feel good about her body, but I did. I didn't think I was perfect, but I didn't wish to change anything.  I ate freely, too. I ate what I liked and as much as I wanted. I am glad I don't eat the things I use to, but I wish I could be free again.  Not long after I started working out, things shifted.  As I said before, my mind started changing, too.  From that point on, I would never feel good enough.  There would always be too much fat here or there and not enough another place.  I would want more definition one day, and be bummed that a particular muscle wasn't bigger the next day.  Stress began to accompany eating.  For a long time, I was scared to death of eating fat.  I avoided it.  It wasn't until after college that I started eating fats.  Funny thing is, when I did, I lost more weight...and quickly at that.  Then I went into a stage where I would not eat ANYTHING that had not been prepared by me.  I would not eat it if it was not a "whole" food.  I made my own everything...and it was exhausting.  I worked out everyday, had to make every food and snack I ate, and still had to find time to do well at my full time job and being a wife.  I feel like I am in such a better place with food now.  Yes, it is very important to me to prepare as much of our snacks as possible and to prepare real, whole foods.  I will not ever change that.  I want to be healthy and more importantly, I want my family to be healthy.  The difference is that now, if I eat an m&m, a wheat thin or get a latte with skim milk, I won't feel like I am about to die from the artificial stuff.  I will not question how every food is prepared when I go to a get-together. I will go out to eat with a friend or my husband and I will enjoy it!!  I believe that the 80/20 rule has merit.  I probably live more 90/10 a lot of the time, but 80/20 would not cause me any shame.

I got off track with where I was going.  I find it strange that being obsessively dedicated to working out and eating a spic and span diet has made me less happy....less happy with myself, my appearance, and really just in general.  I was satisfied with what I saw in the mirror before the hard work started changing the reflection and I started spending so much of my time trying to perfect it.  Perfection is not attainable. Why does anyone spend so much time and happiness trying?