Wow. I have been meaning to write for a while now. I have had a few "revelations" and they just recently seemed to tie together.
For one, I decided that wanting to get pregnant so terribly bad was just making me miserable. When I tie this lifestyle change God has brought me to to my fertility, it just makes it so discouraging because I cannot see progress with fertility. Until I have a period or get pregnant, any progress goes undetected by me because it is working inside of my body unseen by the human eye. I shouldn't have let fertility be the motivator anyways because that is not the most important reason I am doing this. God has shown me where my heart has been and in order to serve Him as best I can, I must shift my focus on godly things instead of self. He may have started this process using my desire to be fertile but it has morphed into a refining process where He has been showing me the many areas of my life that are unholy. I decided that I would quit "trying" to get pregnant. Obsessing over it will not bring back fertility any sooner. It changes nothing. Also, having faith that he will make me pregnant but then worrying and stressing that it won't be soon enough means that I have thought that I know better than Him when it comes to when is the best time. That isn't much faith, huh? I have decided to trust Him and work on this faith within borders problem I have.
Secondly, around the same time, I realized that whining all of the time about having to change my workout habits and also having to gain weight does not change anything either. It does not make the weight come on differently. Agonizing over it just keeps me in agony. Simple truth.
Thirdly, and maybe most important, I have been thinking about how "obedient" I have been being. I thought, "I am being obedient so what is the hold up?!" I put obedient in parentheses because, although I have been doing what I am supposed to, I have pouted and cried all along the way. You have seen this. I have griped blog post after blog post. Now is that obedience?? It is reluctant obedience, at best, and I am certain that my heavenly Father (and any parent for that matter) requires obedience from a good and willing heart. I have not had that. I made a change to true obedience about two weeks ago. Can I say that with just what I have just told you I have changed, I have been so much happier?? It is unreal.
Next, I will say that until recently, I had had some terrible days. Don't get me wrong, I am still seriously struggling but it is a struggle with a different focus. Attaching all of this to the journey towards being a godly woman and a better mother and wife is encouraging! Why? Because I see progress each time he reveals something to me - something I didn't even know was a problem - and I begin to address it and pray over it. I went for a week or two without doing my morning Bible study and it directly affected my mood and outlook. Well, duh. God is not going to speak to me through little birdies, but through His word. Once I picked the Bible studying back up is when these recent revelations happened. They have been the most progressive to me yet.
Yesterday in church, the preacher preached on how blessing comes from obedience. My fertility is in God's hands and His hands have been guiding me to do these things which are out of my fleshly nature. Uncomfortable. Uncharacteristic of me. He is leading me to denounce what has defined me for YEARS. At first I followed because I fear Him. Now I am choosing to trust Him completely and obey with an obedient heart as well. I KNOW that He will bless that and give us babies. I know that my obedience is pivotal.
Now aside from revelations, I decided that hypothalamic amenhorrea in the form that I have is not based on body fat or weight. I don't think that there is a magic weight or body fat percentage out there. I think that body fat and weight are just byproducts from lifestyle. An inadequate amount of fat would come from not eating enough, and in my case, mostly because I was not compensating for the calories burned during exercise which at times was coupled with many disordered eating issues (but not always). When we don't give our bodies enough fuel, it has to decide which critical functions to keep up. The reproductive system is the first to get the boot. Well if one is not eating enough so that her body can maintain regular functions, then you could expect that she might have a low body fat or low weight as I have had. Some say it is working out too hard...well yes if you are training incredibly hard then it is very easy to not give your body enough fuel for both the training and functions, if like me, you have an unhealthy relationship with food or if you just don't realize how much you need. I know that for years I did not eat enough calories. After having dear son, I was eating a ton, but look at all my body had to do - make milk for baby, fuel my intense workouts and keep my body going. I felt like I was eating enough and the thought of eating more scared me. So here I am and for a long time I have been eating plenty. The break from exercise and the continued drastic restrictions on exercise while continuing to eat as much is making sure that my body has what it needs plus more so it can get to where it needs to be. I honestly believe that once my body is secure in the fact that I WILL feed it enough then I think it will jumpstart and get to working like it is supposed to. As I keep eating like this, I believe I will eventually quit gaining as my body will fight to be its healthy weight (I hope). So there is my hypothesis and it makes perfect sense. That is why some people who run marathons can get pregnant and I haven't. They understand that they must eat enough to make up for their energy expenditure.
The main point is this: God is doing a work in me and there is much work to be done. I am going to keep working through even the hard days. God has blessed me so much and I am happy on my little farm with my little family. Whatever else He decides to do is just more icing on the cake:)