Wednesday, February 5, 2014
The weight has become real. I don't like it. I don't like that it has only just begun. I have gained 5 lbs (estimated). I say estimated because I previously did my weighing at the gym around 5:00 in the morning with gym clothes on. Now I have to weigh at my mom's and usually this means late morning/after lunch and I am wearing sweats at the time. You could argue that that means that I have gained less than 5 lbs and it made me feel better to argue that at first, but it is tiresome. In reality, it could go the other way too. I could have gained more. I am just switching to that scale and accepting the 5 lbs as my own and will keep on pressing to make the numbers go up. Each time they do, they bring feelings of both failure and triumph. Oh well....
If I am nothing else, I am incredibly disciplined. One fear I have had is that as people see me gaining weight, and not in a gym rat, all muscle kind of way, that they will conclude that I have become less disciplined. I have felt the same way myself regarding this goal I am headed toward. I saw a quote the other day that I have written in my brain. It said "Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want more." I am not less disciplined because I am gaining weight; however, I am gaining weight BECAUSE I am disciplined. I want to keep up my old workout routine. I want my sprints and plyometrics and a killer leg workout. I want to gain the muscle back that I had lost and keep a low body fat. Yet, I want to be a godly woman more. I want to give my son siblings and my husband more littles. I ultimately want to be a good mommy, not Ms. Fitness America because no matter what I could ever achieve with my body's appearance, it would never satisfy. Never. THAT is why I am doing this. It hurts like the dickens. I feel yucky. I want to pick up some heavy weights every day and get my heart beating out of my chest, but the answer is no. I carry on doing this which doesn't feel good because I know what I want. That makes me as, if not more, disciplined as ever.
I do find myself getting frustrated with it because I want to see that there is some progress. I want to feel like all of this is at least being helping me gain some ground in the right direction. I have been a little frantic lately and have told a few people on various occasions that although I wholeheartedly believe that we will have more babies on our own, I am so scared it will be years from now. That it won't be when I want. That is me being impatient, I know. A wise friend told me that when faced with similar feelings, she threw her hands up and said that she was going to quit stressing. God has proven that His ways are perfect so she would just relax and trust in that. She recommended that I consider doing the same. Initially, my response was that that won't work for me. I can't relax while I am having to work to get my body to work right. Hours after the conversation, though, I realized how wise her advice was. I am doing this out of obedience to Christ. I very well need to throw up my hands and tell Him that as I obey Him, I relax and trust that He is healing my body and that it will be prolific in the right time. There are some people who prefer to be told what to do so they don't have to think or worry about things. Well I need to be that person in this situation. I am going to let God lead my steps and, in turn, I need to just relax my mind. Easier said than done. Maybe I should say that this is what I will be working toward. Laying down pride. Laying down impatience. Laying down doubt. Setting aside fears. Lifting up my eyes to heaven. "A person cannot receive even one thing unless given him from heaven." John 3:27