A Good Steward of My Time

...is what I want to be.  As I was reading my Bible study this morning, I really got to thinking about this.  I am very "anal" as some would say and this extends beyond exercising. For instance, I think that I should mop at least every other day.  I will be all stressed and act like it is so critical that I clean house again and my husband will say, "You just did all of that yesterday.  You don't HAVE to do anything." Which I respond with "Oh, but I do."  But really...do I?  I have made new goals that maybe I just full-blown clean once or twice a week and the other days just worry about maintenance (i.e. clean kitchen, pick-up, laundry).  I have felt guilty about this but as I read my lesson this morning I don't feel that I should feel bad at all.  My baby will be a baby for such a short time.  It won't be too long before when a song is heard, he won't automatically start dancing that preciously adorable dance that he does.  He won't long for mommy to be right there with him playing.  He won't always laugh when I play peek-a-boo or put a toy on my head.  Once he grows up passed these things, we can never go back.  Years down the road, I won't be able to decide that today I will play with him or dance with him in my arms.  At that time though, the house will still need to be cleaned and there will be more laundry to do.  I don't want to miss these times with my baby.  I want to drink them in and absorb them fully.  I don't want to look back on this season of my life and realize I wasted many opportunities to enjoy my son.  The memory of a clean house would never be so sweet as the memories made with my son.   I think I will go by what the author says in my book.  This is paraphrased but basically she said to do what has to be done and then let the rest wait.  Enjoy your babies and make happy memories with them and for them.  It is my job to be a mommy and create a joyous atmosphere is my house.  I love being a mommy!!

...and don't judge my Christmas tree those of you who will see it.  I have a one year old.  I enjoy seeing his face light up when looking at the tree and as he reaches for a ball.  I don't want to taint the next three weeks with "NO'S" and spankings in order to have a beautifully decorated tree.

Today is Friday

and it isn't any easier.  As a matter of fact, it is really hard right now.  I don't even want to write about it but maybe writing through some things will help.

It is weird to me that I don't even have to look in the mirror or step on the scale for my self esteem to take a huge blow.  When I don't work out, I automatically "feel" myself getting softer.  I feel so blah.  On top of that, my continuing to eat 2,500+ calories causes me to "feel" the weight gain coming at an alarming rate.  I don't even have to look in the mirror to know things are changing...I can "feel" it.  Even if I did look in the mirror to assess the situation, it would already be in my mind what I would see and that is what I would see.  Notice I put "feel" in quotation marks.  Why did I do that? Well because I don't know what is real anymore other than how I feel.  The way I feel is real to me which is why no matter how many times I hear otherwise, I can't believe it.  My feelings are the most real so I can find an explanation for any contradicting thing that I hear.

When I know that I have eaten more that my energy needs (refraining from using the word "overeat"), then I feel bad about myself.  If you have ever wondered how anyone can restrict, let me tell you.  In the past, if at the end of the day I could go over what I ate in my mind and know that I ate less than the day before, then I would consider myself as having done "good."  I would be very proud of this.  I would congratulate myself for being disciplined. While when I eat like I am now, I go to bed at the end of the day just wanting to forget about it because I feel disgusting.  I know I need to eat this much to heal.  I know this is good for me.  I surely don't feel like it though...which leads me back to the desire to see the fruits of this effort.  It seems as if this time of no exercise/eating more is punishment of some sort.  I know I have got to do this.  I know it was God that led me to make this step.  I just feel like it is a time of "breaking" me.  Maybe that is the point.  Maybe God is having to "break" me down in order to heal me. 

I know that this post showcases once again my struggles with pride and vanity.  I know that God's word is REAL so shouldn't that cancel out those "feelings" I vented about?  Furthermore, it is apparent that I am being pretty impatient.  I have 13 years of living like this and I want God to show me fruits after 2 weeks of effort when if I had listened to Him long ago then none of this would have even been necessary.  I act like I deserve to see positive effects...that I deserve healing.  I don't. I am thankful God doesn't give me what I deserve because it would not be pretty.  That being said, although I deserve nothing that is good, I KNOW that God is going to heal me.  I need to just be patient and let Him do it on His time.  Why can't I just trust His timing and feel good about the changes in the meantime?  Pray I get there.

I am trying to be postitive...

but I am not going to lie, it is hard.  This is why I didn't post at all yesterday.  I knew I would sound like a broken record.  I know people get tired of hearing it, but to be fair, no one can be as tired of hearing it as I am of feeling this way.  I just wonder why it is getting harder every day at this point?  Will that change directions at some point, and if so, when??  I feel pretty bad about myself. I try to avoid the mirror.  I do not like this feeling of not having control.  I feel very scared and panicky.  Yes, I could go on about what I don't like about all of this, but today I want to think of what I DO like.

Prior to the past 9 days, I would nurse my toodlebug around 3:30ish AM, give or take.  I would wait until he went back to sleep and I would sneak up.  I knew that if I wanted to be positive I got to work out then I needed to right then.  I would eat a bite, work out and then be rushed to get a shower before he woke up.  My mornings were very rushed which is silly because most days we didn't (and don't) even go anywhere. If you know me well, you know that I HATE feeling rushed or like there is not enough time.  This makes me ILL.  Often my baby boy would wake up in the middle of my workout.  I would pause my video which caused much frustration.  I really dislike any breaks during a workout that allows my heart rate to drop.  However, I did what I must and I truly did (and always do) SO enjoy lying there with him so much that I would not want to get up.  Of course, I did though.  As soon as he drifted back to sleep, I would sneak up again.  Each morning I did this no matter how tired I was.  Many mornings I would be exhausted from no sleep and my body would feel dead tired or it might would still be sore from the workout I did many days before.  This was my cue to rest or to do an easier workout that day.  I refused to take the cues and continued to push my body. 

What about the past 9 days?  I feel no need to struggle to keep my eyes open during the 3:30 feeding.  I drift back to sleep with him and then get up when I wake again.  So far that has never been later than 5:00, and is usually closer to 4:00 or 4:30 but I actually feel like I have slept in.  He has had several days that he has woke up earlier than normal.  I (JOYFULLY not frustrated) rush into the room when I hear him awaking and will try to get him back to sleep if it is way early but if he doesn't seem interested, then we start playing earlier than normal.  As you know, I have been replacing my workouts with Bible study during this time.  I can't tell you how right that feels.  I feel growth. I am learning more about who I should be as a Christian, a wife and a mommy.  I feel God working on my heart.  Putting exercising at the top of my to-do each morning as I did and then possibly never having alone time with God throughout the day leaves no time to allow God to teach and guide.  Those mornings were "noisy" in my head and never quietened down enough to hear that still small voice.

So while I feel that aesthetically I am going downhill fast (like a snowball and growing like one, too), maybe I am getting closer to who God has called me to be.  Yes physical training is good, but not when more time is devoted to it than spiritual training.

1 Timothy 4:8-9

New International Version (NIV)

⁸ For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. ⁹ This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance.

INFLUENTIAL

Here is a brief update regarding how I have felt the past few days....it is still the same.  I am just hoping that this a phase.  I hope the feelings of hugeness and the actual stomach discomfort will cease with time.  Now let me shift gears...

Today's lesson in the book is called "Mothers are Influential."  This just brings to light one important reason that I need to get through this no matter how hard it is.  I touched on this in another blog, but after reading the study this morning, I want to concentrate on it.  The author says that "We cannot produce godly children unless we are walking godly.  We must keep a pure spirit free from hurts, grudges, bitterness, anger, hatred, jealousy, discontentment and grumbling."  Examining myself, I can say that I am not walking godly if I am putting exercise higher on the priority list than it belongs.  My spirit is not free from discontentment if I am striving relentlessly for perfection.  I am not free when I am bound by these issues. Having allowed this in my heart, it grows and spreads out to affect so many aspects of my life.  I need to protect my spirit, but oh God, please help me so I can guard the spirits of my children!!  The author says that my attitude and the atmosphere I create in my home will be imprinted on their spirits, affecting their lives and future generations.  I cannot allow this to affect my baby boy and future children's lives.  I could go so far as to say that I am preventing my future babies to even come to life if I allow this addiction and worldly aspirations to saturate my being.  I want to be a godly WOMAN.  I want to be a godly mother.  I want to raise godly children.  

I want more children as this is no secret to you by now.  My husband wants several more boys which is fine.  I sure do delight in the one I have. More would be great.  I do, however, desperately want at least one little girl.  Little boys won't want to spend time with me when they get older, but a little girl will be interested in little girl things. What if...just what if...God is withholding a little girl until I can be free from this slavery.  I don't want this imprinted on any child, but a girl is more susceptible.  Girls feel the need to be pretty.  I want my daughter to feel pretty and to value the prettiness of the soul and not measure it by her size or how in shape she is.

It is humbling to know that my attitudes permeate the atmosphere of my home and affect everybody.  It will not only affect a child, but will stick with the child.  I will reiterate to myself the urgency that exists for me to address this whole-heartedly.  I do not need to put forth the minimum effort, but I should attack this with all of my might.  The worst that can happen is that I gain weight, lose definition, lose some endurance, and have to go up in clothes size.  Actually, these are inevitable.  What is the best that can happen? For one, my son will not grow up with a distorted view of women.  My marriage will be happier. I will be a better mommy.  I will be free and happy.  I will have more children with at least one little girl who will not witness an unhealthy food/exercise/body image relationship.  I will please God and live out a purpose.  I will disappoint the devil. The list goes on.

Let's flip it.  What if I don't do anything?  First off, I would be ignoring the conviction Christ is placing on me...that is a dangerous place to be.  I would be telling the devil that his attack on my womb continues to be successful and be accepting that I may have no more children.  I would not be being the mommy I need to be to the beautiful child I have and would also risk imprinting this on my son forever.  Yes I could keep my low body fat and put on some muscle...but I would still be unhappy.  I would still not be happy with my body.  I would be continuing to live unhealthy while running the risk of all of the things associated with too little fat and never menstruating.  The list goes on.

It appears to be a no-brainer, huh??  So when I feel guilty because I feel that I have eaten too much, I will remind myself that it is necessary for my body to repair.  It is a good thing.  When I feel lazy from not working out during this time period, I will tell myself how my body has to recover since all of these years I never allowed it to recover from one extreme workout to another.  When I feel like I am getting fat, I know that I still don't have enough until my body is functioning as it should.  When I feel bad about how my body changes, I will make an effort to change my perception of what a body should be.  All of this is so much harder when I do not see the fruits yet.  It feels like I am putting myself through this and experiencing the pain and discomfort for nothing.  I pray to see the fruits.  I pray for spiritual and emotional fruits such as seeing myself become more free and more happy.  I pray for physical fruits such as a period and/or pregnancy.  I would be so happy to have a period that I do not even know how crazily I would react.  I can't even imagine how I would feel if I got pregnant naturally.  It just doesn't even seem realistic.  It would be amazing.  

If you feel God is leading you to add anything to these thoughts or to my strategy for overcoming this, please do.  Sometimes I am slow to realize and relate things.

Did It Work??

...not so much.  I still feel the fat sitting copiously on numerous areas of my body.  I also really miss exercising.  I miss getting my heart rate up.  Despite the sinful part of me that feels like I have to, it is true that I do enjoy exercising.  I love lifting weights.  I love short bursts of intensity like plyometrics and sprints. The only times I don't enjoy it is when I know my body is telling me it doesn't feel like it, like when I am sleepy and choose exercise over sleep.   I don't enjoy it when I am sick and need rest or when my body feels overtrained and needs to recover.  If my body is well, though, I truly enjoy working out.  If I didn't, I would not have persisted long enough to let it turn into what it has.  I miss it.  I am trying to be careful with this ache I feel for exercising, though. I need to use the painful ache to further mold me. I know that I do not need to count down the days until I am done with the Bible study or day dream about what workout I will do.  That does not need to be my focus.  I need to focus on the study and how I can grow from it.  I know that not everyone who knows about my issue sees it for what it is.  It is simply black and white to them: I need to gain some weight and cut exercise. Easy Peasy. To these people, it may seem that I am being a little bit extremist by cutting the exercising completely for the 24 (I think) days of the study.  Afterall, I have never gone as long as I have already gone (5 days) without working out except for when I was on bed rest and about 1.5 weeks after my little blessing was born.  They would be partially right if they said it wouldn't hurt anything for me to work out a few times a week and just cut back the intensity.  It is true that it wouldn't hurt my fertility...or so I believe...as long as it was cut enough to still allow my body to heal.  There are the other people (who are few as far as I know) that do see this for what it is - a sin problem.  Let me interject here and say that I would not see it this way had God not revealed that to me.  The people that see it as a sin problem would not see this as being over zealous.  Instead, I think they may see the situation as urgent, and this particular response as necessary.  God has been convicting me of this. That is why all of the sudden it became so heavy on my soul.  I don't think God plays around so for Him to lay the conviction on me, He has got to mean business.  That gives me chills and tears at the same time.  My God is a loving God, but I fear Him.  I am going to take this seriously.  I recognize the situation's exigency and do not feel that I can afford to delay.

I said above that I went without working out while on bed rest.  Actually, even then I didn't totally go without working out.  I did a little arm routine while sitting on the couch.  While I did do this daily, it was still incredibly light compared to what I am used to.  How did I get through it?  I had a baby inside of me that I knew I had to protect.  I need to get it in my head that what I am doing now is for the health of others as well.  It is for my baby so he has the mommy he deserves.  I don't need to pollute his mind with the toxic thoughts I have about myself.  It is also for my future babies that I believe God will give me when I heal.  It is for my marriage so that I can be the wife God has called me to be.  These loved ones do not need my affections split between them and my addiction.

After baby boy was born, I didn't do anything but eat, sleep and nurse for over a week and I had NO guilt.  I even remember saying that I was healed.  I was amazed by that.  I listened to my body.  I put nourishing my baby first and all felt right.  I was not concerned with the fact that I was physically unable to bust out into a work out routine.  Once I started feeling physically able, I started incorporating exercise back in when I could. That quickly turned into doing something 7 days a week.  Then I felt my old ways returning and here I am.  Is this a coincidence that the thoughts came back as I started back working out?  I don't know. I do find it interesting nonetheless.  I guess I could compare it with alcoholics who quit drinking.  They have to be careful because if they slip and take a drink, they will most likely go back to "needing" alcohol.   

I pray that something changes before I see the weight gain on the scale so that I rejoice over the pounds instead of mourning them.  Maybe if I learn to block out the negative thoughts and combat them with truths, then the cycle will eventually break and those thoughts will no longer be automatic and habitual.

I debated on whether to post today because I am well...a little eehhh.  I don't necessarily feel like expressing my feelings because I want to avoid them.  I also don't want to sound like a negative Nancy. On the other hand, this is a perfect opportunity to demonstrate how my mind works...

We ate at my parents'  house and I guess I felt that I ate too much considering that I had not worked out as I always have in the past.  The whole time we sat there talking to family, I had to keep blocking out how I felt my stomach.  It felt huge and so did my thighs.  My stomach hurt for some reason.  It wasn't from eating too much because it didn't feel well before I even ate.  In my mind, though, a hurting tummy meant that it was getting fatter.  I sat there thinking about the treadmill in the basement and I wanted to exercise so bad.  Since I couldn't, I just wanted to go to bed and wake up hopefully feeling better.  It did not work.  I have felt like that all day.  I debated on popping in an exercise video, and honestly, I might would have if baby boy hadn't woke up at 5:00 this morning and needed me by his side constantly.  Poor thing still does not feel well.  I don't know if it is just my imagination or for real, but my jeans already feel tighter.  If I have already gotten bigger in less than a week, how will I be in a month?  

I have developed the strategy of trying to basically argue with myself.  I think how I feel disgusting and I tell myself that it is not possible to gain weight that fast.  After supper last night, I kept telling myself that you don't gain weight from one meal.  That is the truth unless you eat an extra 3500 calories in one meal.  That would be pretty impossible to do in even a whole day (or two or three) unless you really gave it your all.  After the strategy of arguing with myself, I start the "yeah...but..." Yeah, I may have gained a few pounds but that is the goal, right?  Yeah, my jeans may have gotten smaller after three days, but I needed to go up a size or sizes anyways.  An increase in size is inevitable; I know that.  I remember what I posted yesterday.  I NEED to increase fat. That is a good thing.  Increasing fat leads to increasing femininity.  I need the fat for the sake of hormones. I need the fat for my overall health.  In another post, I posted about the recommendation to eat 2,500 calories a day at a minimum without exercise. That said minimum. I remind myself.  I should concentrate on how those calories went to repair damage.  Yes, that will equal weight gain in the future but that is the goal. 

Even if all of these things are in my head, eventually I am going to gain weight.  Eventually I will move up in jeans size.  I was once told to mourn it and then move on.  I refuse to do this.  I don't want to mourn.  I want to not think it is a bad thing anymore.  I want to be pleased with the progression to a healthier me.  I want freedom.  I am convinced that once I am free, I will not feel these things anymore. These bad feelings will not come as they do now and instead I can just be happy living out my purpose. 

So there is my random and scattered pity party post of the day...I am about to go to bed and hope that tomorrow I wake up feeling better about this.

I missed posting yesterday because my baby felt bad and needed my attention non stop.  I wasn't sure where to go with this post because I had so many things rustling around in my head yesterday.  I guess I will just start and see where I end up.

As seen in the previous post, I have been struggling with the decision of whether I needed to say no to working out for X amount of time or if I could actually recover by just limiting it.  One wise person I spoke with suggested that I don't work out at all while I go through the Bible study.  I spoke with my husband about what I should do and he just said that just as God is leading me in this heart change, He will guide me through every part of it.  Thus, he just said that God would show me and then he said that he thinks I already know but I just keep grasping at straws.  After these conversations and listening intently for guidance, I have decided not to work out while I do the Bible study.  When it is finished, I will re-evaluate where my heart is and what and how I can incorporate working out in a godly fashion.  This isn't to say that I have warded off walking or that I will move as little as possible.  This is to say that I am not doing anything for the purpose of exercise.  When I feel the desire, I will seek more spiritual training.  "For physical training is of some value (useful for a little), but godliness (spiritual training) is useful and of value in everything and in every way, for it holds promise for the present life and also for the life which is to come. This saying is reliable and worthy of complete acceptance by everybody." 1 Timothy 4:8-9

So yes this decision scares the beejeebees out of me...especially during the holiday season!! I will have to surrender my work out over again every day and who knows when it will get easier. I am afraid of how fast I will gain weight and how much I will gain.  What if in a month or two, people comment on how I have packed on the pounds? (Side note:  Be sure that if you tell someone you can tell they have gained weight that they are ready to hear it.  If they haven't gained much or haven't gained any, they will feel bad because it is already obvious.  This validates one of our biggest fears surrounding gaining weight - you can SEE. EVERY. SINGLE. POUND. so the necessary amount will look like you swallowed the Michelin Man.)  I have always been a pro at compensating...which kicks in restrictive eating mode but I CANNOT allow that to happen here.  I have to go on eating the same amount so I will GAIN (ugh) weight.  I have to hold myself accountable and allow others to help me do so as well.  I am sure many dieticians would disagree and who am I to argue, but I do believe that weight gained through wholesome foods will look different than that gained off of processed and/or sugary junk.  I tell myself that anyways.

This leads me down another avenue....FEMINITY (i.e. "having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with women").  Hmmmm.  One of my struggles is the struggle with being feminine.  I would have thought that sounded absurd years, months or even days ago.  God showed me, though, as I can count on Him to do.  You can look at men and women and see that we were made differently.  Men were made to be leaner hence the higher metabolism.  They are made to be stronger as seen in their greater ease in gaining muscle.  Let's look at the ACE body fat percentage chart and author commentary found on http://www.builtlean.com/2010/08/03/ideal-body-fat-percentage-chart/ :

 "As you can see, women have a higher body fat percentage relative to men for a given level. Women have more fat because of physiological differences such as hormones, breasts, and sexual organs. In addition, women need a higher amount of body fat for ovulation.

“Essential fat” is the minimum amount of fat necessary for basic physical and physiological health. There is a lot of controversy over what amount of body fat is optimal for overall health. A research paper by Gallagher et. al. in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition (2000) came to the conclusion that certain low body fat ranges are “underfat”, which implies “unhealthy”.² According to this research paper, men who are between 20-40 years old with under 8% body fat are considered “underfat”, whereas a “healthy” range is described as between 8-19%. For women in this same age group, any level under 21% is “underfat” and 21-33% is considered 'healthy'"

Let's address where I am....The highest I have ever been at testing since working out was around 17%.  I have been at 7.9% (tested by a dietician) and the last time I got it checked, I was at 9%.  I am leaner now than I was then.  I miss the healthy range by a long shot (21-33%). Not only is that unhealthy, it is UNFEMININE.  Women were not made to have low body fat.  If we were, then our bodies would carry on their functions without hiccup.  Carrying an extra low body fat is against God's design.  When I see this stuff in black and white, I honestly feel like I want to welcome the curves and the pounds with open arms.  Bring it on!!!!!  The sinful thoughts soon follow.  The world has such a distorted view and I find myself wanting to meet the world's standards.  I worry about what people who value the unbiblical characteristics will think.  Why?!?!?!? Why do I care? Pride. Sinful pride.  Since when has making women more masculine become beautiful or making them look unhealthy skinny become sexy?  Have you ever thought of what Bathsheeba must have looked like?  Apparently she was incredibly beautiful.  I dare say that you probably could NOT count her abs, or ribs for that matter, nor could you see her veins.  I am sure she didn't have much or any muscular definition.  She probably had curves and maybe, just maybe, a little cellulite if you looked closely enough.  I know that was all random, but I just got to thinking about that yesterday.  Needless to say, I have let the world define what I should strive for, not the Bible.  Furthermore, I give too much thought into what others think.  I am afraid to gain weight because of what others will think when my own husband (the only person who even sees me naked and the only person who needs to find me attractive) has been begging me to gain weight.  He tells me I am beautiful despite what everyone else sees YET he still sees that I need to gain weight.  My mom and step dad sincerely want me to gain weight.  My baby boy needs me to be healthy.  My unborn children need me to be healthy so I can conceive them and live healthy - mind, body and spirit - in front of them so that I don't lead them into the same misguided thinking.  These are the people who love me the most.  Why do I care what the world thinks?  I am not living for the world.  I am living for God, first and foremost, and then for the loved ones He has placed and will place in my life to serve.

Any thoughts to add to this?