PROGRESS

Wow.  I have been meaning to write for a while now.  I have had a few "revelations" and they just recently seemed to tie together.

For one, I decided that wanting to get pregnant so terribly bad was just making me miserable.  When I tie this lifestyle change God has brought me to to my fertility, it just makes it so discouraging because I cannot see progress with fertility.  Until I have a period or get pregnant, any progress goes undetected by me because it is working inside of my body unseen by the human eye.  I shouldn't have let fertility be the motivator anyways because that is not the most important reason I am doing this.  God has shown me where my heart has been and in order to serve Him as best I can, I must shift my focus on godly things instead of self.  He may have started this process using my desire to be fertile but it has morphed into a refining process where He has been showing me the many areas of my life that are unholy.  I decided that I would quit "trying" to get pregnant.  Obsessing over it will not bring back fertility any sooner.  It changes nothing.  Also, having faith that he will make me pregnant but then worrying and stressing that it won't be soon enough means that I have thought that I know better than Him when it comes to when is the best time.  That isn't much faith, huh? I have decided to trust Him and work on this faith within borders problem I have.

Secondly, around the same time, I realized that whining all of the time about having to change my workout habits and also having to gain weight does not change anything either.  It does not make the weight come on differently.  Agonizing over it just keeps me in agony.  Simple truth.

Thirdly, and maybe most important, I have been thinking about how "obedient" I have been being.  I thought, "I am being obedient so what is the hold up?!"  I put obedient in parentheses because, although I have been doing what I am supposed to, I have pouted and cried all along the way.  You have seen this.  I have griped blog post after blog post.  Now is that obedience??  It is reluctant obedience, at best, and I am certain that my heavenly Father (and any parent for that matter) requires obedience from a good and willing heart.  I have not had that.  I made a change to true obedience about two weeks ago.  Can I say that with just what I have just told you I have changed, I have been so much happier??  It is unreal.

Next, I will say that until recently, I had had some terrible days.  Don't get me wrong, I am still seriously struggling but it is a struggle with a different focus.  Attaching all of this to the journey towards being a godly woman and a better mother and wife is encouraging!  Why?  Because I see progress each time he reveals something to me - something I didn't even know was a problem - and I begin to address it and pray over it.  I went for a week or two without doing my morning Bible study and it directly affected my mood and outlook.  Well, duh.  God is not going to speak to me through little birdies, but through His word.  Once I picked the Bible studying back up is when these recent revelations happened.  They have been the most progressive to me yet.

Yesterday in church, the preacher preached on how blessing comes from obedience.  My fertility is in God's hands and His hands have been guiding me to do these things which are out of my fleshly nature.  Uncomfortable.  Uncharacteristic of me.  He is leading me to denounce what has defined me for YEARS.  At first I followed because I fear Him.  Now I am choosing to trust Him completely and obey with an obedient heart as well.  I KNOW that He will bless that and give us babies.  I know that my obedience is pivotal.

Now aside from revelations, I decided that hypothalamic amenhorrea in the form that I have is not based on body fat or weight.  I don't think that there is a magic weight or body fat percentage out there.  I think that body fat and weight are just byproducts from lifestyle.  An inadequate amount of fat would come from not eating enough, and in my case, mostly because I was not compensating for the calories burned during exercise which at times was coupled with many disordered eating issues (but not always).   When we don't give our bodies enough fuel, it has to decide which critical functions to keep up.  The reproductive system is the first to get the boot.  Well if one is not eating enough so that her body can maintain regular functions, then you could expect that she might have a low body fat or low weight as I have had.  Some say it is working out too hard...well yes if you are training incredibly hard then it is very easy to not give your body enough fuel for both the training and functions, if like me, you have an unhealthy relationship with food or if you just don't realize how much you need.  I know that for years I did not eat enough calories.  After having dear son, I was eating a ton, but look at all my body had to do - make milk for baby, fuel my intense workouts and keep my body going. I felt like I was eating enough and the thought of eating more scared me. So here I am and for a long time I have been eating plenty.  The break from exercise and the continued drastic restrictions on exercise while continuing to eat as much is making sure that my body has what it needs plus more so it can get to where it needs to be.  I honestly believe that once my body is secure in the fact that I WILL feed it enough then I think it will jumpstart and get to working like it is supposed to.  As I keep eating like this, I believe I will eventually quit gaining as my body will fight to be its healthy weight (I hope).  So there is my hypothesis and it makes perfect sense.  That is why some people who run marathons can get pregnant and I haven't. They understand that they must eat enough to make up for their energy expenditure.

The main point is this: God is doing a work in me and there is much work to be done.  I am going to keep working through even the hard days.  God has blessed me so much and I am happy on my little farm with my little family.  Whatever else He decides to do is just more icing on the cake:)

Actively Relaxin?!

The weight has become real.  I don't like it. I don't like that it has only just begun.  I have gained 5 lbs (estimated).  I say estimated because I previously did my weighing at the gym around 5:00 in the morning with gym clothes on.  Now I have to weigh at my mom's and usually this means late morning/after lunch and I am wearing sweats at the time.  You could argue that that means that I have gained less than 5 lbs and it made me feel better to argue that at first, but it is tiresome. In reality, it could go the other way too.  I could have gained more. I am just switching to that scale and accepting the 5 lbs as my own and will keep on pressing to make the numbers go up. Each time they do, they bring feelings of both failure and triumph.  Oh well....

If I am nothing else, I am incredibly disciplined.  One fear I have had is that as people see me gaining weight, and not in a gym rat, all muscle kind of way, that they will conclude that I have become less disciplined.  I have felt the same way myself regarding this goal I am headed toward.  I saw a quote the other day that I have written in my brain.  It said "Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want more."  I am not less disciplined because I am gaining weight; however, I am gaining weight BECAUSE I am disciplined.  I want to keep up my old workout routine.  I want my sprints and plyometrics and a killer leg workout.  I want to gain the muscle back that I had lost and keep a low body fat. Yet, I want to be a godly woman more.  I want to give my son siblings and my husband more littles. I ultimately want to be a good mommy, not Ms. Fitness America because no matter what I could ever achieve with my body's appearance, it would never satisfy. Never.  THAT is why I am doing this. It hurts like the dickens.  I feel yucky.  I want to pick up some heavy weights every day and get my heart beating out of my chest, but the answer is no. I carry on doing this which doesn't feel good because I know what I want. That makes me as, if not more, disciplined as ever.

I do find myself getting frustrated with it because I want to see that there is some progress. I want to feel like all of this is at least being helping me gain some ground in the right direction.  I have been a little frantic lately and have told a few people on various occasions that although I wholeheartedly believe that we will have more babies on our own, I am so scared it will be years from now. That it won't be when I want.  That is me being impatient, I know.  A wise friend told me that when faced with similar feelings, she threw her hands up and said that she was going to quit stressing. God has proven that His ways are perfect so she would just relax and trust in that.  She recommended that I consider doing the same.  Initially, my response was that that won't work for me.  I can't relax while I am having to work to get my body to work right.  Hours after the conversation, though, I realized how wise her advice was.  I am doing this out of obedience to Christ.  I very well need to throw up my hands and tell Him that as I obey Him, I relax and trust that He is healing my body and that it will be prolific in the right time.  There are some people who prefer to be told what to do so they don't have to think or worry about things.  Well I need to be that person in this situation. I am going to let God lead my steps and, in turn, I need to just relax my mind. Easier said than done.  Maybe I should say that this is what I will be working toward.  Laying down pride. Laying down impatience.  Laying down doubt. Setting aside fears. Lifting up my eyes to heaven.  "A person cannot receive even one thing unless given him from heaven." John 3:27

More of the Dirty Truth

Wow it has been a long time since I have written.  I can explain this hiatus by the fact that it seems to be getting harder and I have nothing productive to say...just whining.  No one likes to hear someone say the same thing over and over, especially if they are just feeling sorry for themselves.  For that reason, I have laid off the computer keys.  Today, however, I have some things to share regarding what I have seen in myself.  I continue to dissect my issues and get down to the root causes.  You hear the saying "it is what it is" and that is not the case.  If you take my compulsive exercising/eating issues at face value, then you miss the more serious impediment and significantly minimize the true affliction.  This didn't just "happen" to me as I used to believe.  I would get so mad at God and ask him why me and why would He not just take it away...meanwhile I was holding onto it will all of my might, not willing to trust God and give it up.

I have started a new Bible study called "Sweet Relationships."  There are a few things that set the wheels of thought in motion yesterday. Through reading and conversation with my husband, I saw more of myself and the truth of why this is so hard for me.

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21

The author asked a question after citing this verse.  She asked when you invest in something, what goes with it?  For years, I have made HUGE investments in my body.  Like a person with a gambling problem, I kept investing more and more into the pot despite the repercussions that were coming a long with it.  I was investing in the physical appearance of my body so there was my heart also.  My heart being on myself?? That is not depicting Christ. Not at all.  A few months ago I would have argued that my heart was not there but completely on my family first.  After all, that is why I got up and worked out so early.  I did not want it to take away from time with my family.  I wanted to do it while they were asleep.  Truth is, even though I worked out while they were asleep, it did take away from them.  I could not give them my best because my best was worn down into a lesser version of me.  When living out of God's will, one cannot receive His best, nor can one give his/her best.  What I am struggling to embrace is that my BEST has nothing to do with my weight or what I look like.  Maybe it does according to society where everything is driven by fleshly desires. I have to ask myself if I want to give my best to fall in with the misguided world by investing in fleshly things or to give my eternal best which also benefits my loved ones most with the knowledge that investing based on worldly standards will never reap the rewards that giving my eternal best will undoubtedly do every time.  I have actually seen first hand that investing so heavily in these fleshly aspirations has only caused problems and heartache. 

One thing that is making this "recovery" time so hard is seeing people posting their fitness feats and motivation and such.  It drives me crazy to see them identifying themselves this way.  On one hand, I want to say "Stop!! Just look at your motives.  Are they to bring glory to God?"  Like I said in a previous post, if your goal is to have a six pack, you cannot equate that to bringing glory to God.  For one, true modesty would never allow you to show the said six pack. (I say that as someone who has worn a bikini in public and has worked out in a sports bra. I can also admit that after having my baby, I sincerely wanted people to know I had a six pack. Although I never showed it to anyone, I am still very embarrassed by the yearning for people to know. It is embarrassing to admit even here. I am not a bit better than anyone doing those things. I am not claiming to be faultless nor am I saying that someone who wears a bikini does not have their heart right with God.  I am claiming to be growing and learning in Christ and posting pictures of your body is not modest.)  Likewise, if you did show your six pack, not one viewer would be prompted to worship God.  They would be looking at your six pack.  Sounds simple enough, huh?  BUT that is not the only reason these things bother me...there is the reason I am ashamed of...PRIDE.

Through discussing my pride issue with my husband, I saw why seeing people like this on social media or out in real life who are devoting their energy to physical goals built on edifying self REALLY bothers me.  I am prideful.  My pride has been masquerading as competitiveness and perfectionism because these things are not so outwardly dirty.  However, call it what you will, pride is pride and pride drives these things.  Why does someone hate losing?  They do not want to feel like someone else is better in that area.  They do not want the other person to think of themselves as better.  According to the definition, what does pride do?  It thinks of itself above others. 

I do not walk around puffed up.  It is when I encounter people who I think are trying to be fitter or thinner or to work out better than me that I become threatened and want to stick my chest out like the roosters in our back yard.  I do not want them to think they are better than me. That is one reason I struggle with not working out and with gaining weight.  I am not the thinnest nor the most in shape.  I even catch myself fearing that people are trying to one-up what I was as I am obviously not a threat now.  I have said often of a few family/friends, that if I was just surrounded by them, this would be so much easier.  Let me clarify by saying that it is not because I see myself as better than them. Truth be told, each of them are far prettier than I am.  The reason I am not threatened by them, though, and being around them does not well up competitiveness is that they are not out to compete.  They have things in perspective.  I do not feel for a second that they look at me or anyone with the goal of being better.

I am so worried about what people think in this way.  When I first started this, I even thought about posting on Facebook what I was doing and confessing the sin area.  I could never get comfortable enough to do it though.  Now I see that my motives would not have been pure.  To be honest, now I  see that I would have been using that post to say (in between the lines), "Don't think you are winning. I am stepping down from the competition in order to pursue more important things."

So what am I to do with all of this?  I do not want to be prideful, nor do I want to be forcefully humbled.  I can't avoid most people and literally just surround myself with godly women in which I wish to learn from.  I need to humble myself, surround myself with godly women, learn from them and then go out in the world and be a godly woman instead of going out in the world and trying to be one of the world.  If I am compelled all of the time to compete in unholy endeavors then I am not being set apart.  I guess when I get the feeling of needing to compete, I will try to just shut it down by reminding myself of the truth behind it and praying for God to take the feeling away. 

One more side note: After 67 days of not working out, I did a small workout yesterday.  I don't know when I can do one again.  My husband and I have talked about resuming workouts to ad nauseum and have not come to a place of agreement.  We have discussed how work outs cannot go back to what they were and my relationship with exercising cannot be the same.  I feel like I am ready as long as my husband has some control over it.  I think keeping a log for him to review is a good idea.  I am just waiting on him to become more comfortable with the idea and to be in a place where he feels he can trust me; and when I can trust myself to stay on guard; and that it will not hinder the physical healing that we hope is happening.

REdefining Moment

I was in some deep thought yesterday and had trouble going to sleep last night.  I have often brought up the subject to my husband wondering what are the markers I am looking for so I will know when I am ready to exercise again.  Health-wise, it is easy to set a goal or a target weight or time frame, but spiritually, it is not so cut and dry.  It is a waiting game for God to show me.  Yesterday, I believe He showed me something.  I think that maybe He is redefining exercise for me.  I can't start back until I see it differently.  Bear with me as I explain this thought process...

A series of separate, unrelated moments, when lumped together, set my mind into motion.  I got to thinking about our temples.  God gave us our bodies as temples for worship.  Our whole purpose in life, after all, is to bring glory to God.  At what point did society as a whole forget that?  Do you think the Israelites woke up in the morning doing push ups or stomach crunches? No.  They got their exercise working, I am sure.  I don't remember reading in the Bible where they went beyond that to get leaner or look a certain way.  Obviously this is not because they were perfect.  They built false gods to worship, for instance.  Society today doesn't need to construct a god out of stone because we have figured out how to worship things such as materialism, people, and our own bodies.   Let me be specific for the sake of an example.  A six pack. Not the beverage kind, but I am talking abs.  Yes, some freaks of nature are born with such, but for the vast majority of folks, it cannot be achieved beyond a strict diet and exercise.  For me and the thickness of my skin and the distribution of fat on my body, I have to have a very (unhealthy) low body fat to achieve one and it is still only the kind that mostly only makes itself visible when I am moving.  For me to devote time and work out with the intense purpose of achieving a six pack, more definition, or what have you, is for me to seek glory for myself.  I thought about it and seriously, there is no way (that I could possibly think of) that a six pack brings glory to God. None. Whatsoever.  Why do people want things like this?  Why have I always wanted to achieve such as this? For admiration. For praise.  Defined abs or legs or muscular hiney do not turn people toward Christ.  Instead, it says "Look at me."  I know someone might be getting mad at me right now.  Please don't.  I don't like it either, but I really don't think I came up with it on my own.  Am I saying that I think people with muscular, lean bodies are sinning?!? NO!! That is not what I am saying at all.  I am saying that I believe (as of yesterday when these things crept inside of me) that exercising BEYOND what is required to be healthy or what is enjoyable (which means that relationships are not sacrificed, health is not compromised, joy is not stolen), is reaching for something unholy.  It is to attain a goal. One that does not bring God glory, but glory to self.  I don't think there is anything wrong with doing the type of workouts I used to do ON OCCASION, when I feel like it and it is enjoyable, BUT no one wants to do it everyday.  Stop before you claim that you do.  A while ago, I would have said the exact same thing.  However, there is a great divide between wanting to do something (think: wanting to go to the park, wanting to play outside with your kids) and feeling the compulsion to do something (think: I want to because I am afraid if I don't ____ or I want to because I want my body to look like ____).  I exercised compulsively.  While I definitely enjoy exercising, getting my heart rate up, sweating, and my first exercise love of lifting weights, I did not enjoy the intense workouts I made myself do every day.  I was tired.  I was ill.  I was rushed.  I know some people need to exercise for health and they do not enjoy it so I am not saying everyone should sit on the couch if they don't like exercising.  Maybe traditional exercise is just not for them and they need something more recreational.  That is another subject.

I think when I do exercise again, it will consist of lifting weights some every week because I need that for my health, especially since I have spent so much time underweight.  I don't want my bones to break into pieces.  I will probably try some new videos that will be fun.  I will run and jump and play outside with my little man.  I will ride a bicycle with him in tow and my husband beside me.  I will not have a do or die routine or number of days to work out; and I will not choose exercise over fellowship.  I will never let it interfere with being a wife and a mom.  I will strive for health and a life, not for six packs and low body fat.  I am sure this won't all automatically come naturally; but with work and getting my heart right, it will be easier.  I still don't know when I can begin as I am still waiting on God to help me heal and show me things (and on my spiritual leader to give me permission).

I may have not said things perfectly.  Some may be rolling their eyes.  If so, just chalk it up to a blogger's rambles.  I do truly believe that this was a revelation for me from my Father.  I am excited because I feel that I can carry it beyond this particular area of my life and relate it to materialism, modesty, etc.  In everything, I want to ask why I am doing it or desiring it.  Is it for my glory or for God's gory alone?

A Little Fear Might Help

Once again I have fallen off the map and haven't been writing regularly.  The Christmas holiday has been a busy one and a hard one.  What can make abstaining from exercising harder than holiday get-togethers with lots of different foods prepared by other people (many who don't share the same love for real foods) and different eating times than those that exist in my normal routine?  (Interjection here - the love of routine is probably one of my problems!)  Needless to say, these things intensified the struggle and I had a few BAD days.  I am scared to know how much I gained in such a short time.  It just makes it worse knowing that I ate more "bad" foods than normal...by that I mean foods other than "whole" foods which likely contain a lot of artificial stuff and refined sugar.  I have to be careful, though, because in the past I have seen myself change from restricting to being overly obsessed with food quality to where I never wanted to eat any one else's food and could not, under an circumstances, eat anything from a package even if it was organic.  That is just another of the ugly faces of an eating disorder...which I have learned can manifest itself in many different ways.  You feel you have recovered from disordered eating and in actuality, it just attached to another obsession (i.e. eating only natural/organic/whole). There has got to be balance. Moderation. 

My title seems to inaccurately describe my post thus far, but I am getting there. I do a lot of reading on anorexia athletica (exercise compulsion) and eating disorders.  Side note: In the list of "you may have anorexia athletica/over-exercise if..." I check every one.  I sent it to my husband and he said that it describes me to a "T."  Anyways, back to the point...SO in my reading, I have seen the various consequences of these disorders. Everything points out that the damage is not only that which is obvious, but there is damage done to the organs that are not so obvious, but these are the most detrimental.  I have read how it causes muscular atrophy as the body feeds on itself and this has been obvious especially when I combined intense workouts with nursing while not recognizing the immense amount of calories all of that calls for. Over time, I have lost a lot of inches of muscle.  However, as stated in one article, the heart is a muscle as well which means it is just as likely to be affected.  Through many articles, I have seen that overexercising and not taking in adequate calories can cause the wall of the heart to thin, arrythmic heart beat, low heart rate and blood pressure and on and on....not to mention, hormonal imbalance and not enough estrogen can also cause damage to the heart.  Now that that has been said, I should mention that I have had several "episodes" since college.  The few in college involved shaking, briefly losing consciousness and being disoriented.  Since graduating college, the episodes got worse.  One day at work before having my baby, I felt very sick for a few minutes and the next thing I knew, people were gathered around me and I was trying to remember where I was.  They called 911.  When the ambulance got there, the paramedics had to give me something to speed my heart up because I was bradycardic.  My blood pressure was also very low.  This happened another time when I was sick.  It also happened 6 days after my baby was born which was the only other time I went to the ER.  Once again, we saw a very low blood pressure.  We have never been able to figure out what caused these episodes.  Well the Saturday night after Christmas, I woke up because my wrist was hurting something terrible. I told my husband.  He said I asked for crackers and advil and when he came back I was disoriented.  I just remember him hollering my name.  I sat up feeling very sick.  After several minutes, I felt better but freezing cold.  All of these symptoms point to a very low blood pressure.  Blood was not getting to my wrist.  There wasn't enough oxygen getting to my brain.  The poor circulation made me really cold.  Now I look back at all of these episodes and feel certain I know what caused them.  It is quite terrifying.  I am scared that I have damaged my heart and can only pray that the damage can be reversed through recovery.

During the string of days of wanting to give up because I feel fat and because I see other people working out, I am reminded that it is most important for my health and my family that I take care of this problem.  It is important for my walk with Christ to be free from bondage.  It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing or thinking. It isn't about them. 

Although fear isn't always a good thing, I guess I will take whatever will motivate me another day because I can go from a good, motivated day to a day of wanting to quit...just like that.  I forget so easily which makes pressing on hard sometimes.

Give Yourself Up to God

           So I haven't written in a while for two reasons: 1. I have not had time. 2. I feel like, some days, all I have to say is negative stuff because I feel yuck.

That being said, let us start with some catch-up.  Yesterday was day 24...the last day of the Bible study.  When I felt God's guidance in committing that time period to the Bible study with zero exercising, I was bummed but too scared to ignore Him.  While I knew that I did not need to anticipate the end of this exercise abstinence, I did catch myself loosely planning what my work outs would look like since the heart pounding intense stuff are off limits.  Little did I know, a bomb would be dropped on me a week out from the end of the study.  Through a couple of avenues, I was shown that 24 days is not enough.  The first loving declaration of my need to further this extreme (to me, no exercise at all is extreme) phase of healing made me irate.  Then after the conversation was over, I felt that the words had made their way to my heart which made me even angrier.  The next day, I spoke with someone who honestly is the most godly woman I know.  It was almost as if she was pleading for my life. It reminded me of the gravity of the situation and how I have no choice but to fervently and urgently strive for victory over it.  She told me the same thing - I can't just go back after 24 days...I can't afford to go there until this sin problem has been put to death and even then, my exercise regimen will likely never look anything even close to what it did.  As she spoke, I knew that all she said was true and right.  I am not going to lie, though, I felt like the biggest rainstorm was falling on my parade.  God has convicted me in this area before.  The last time was a few years ago and I did take steps by seeing a dietician and a therapist who stamped me with an eating disorder label so fast it made my head spin.  Apparently, I dropped the ball along the way.  I was serious about the healing, but I know I did what I thought would be enough without pushing the envelop and would have never ventured to the land of non-exercise.  Maybe I also became so consumed with the physical side of it that I quit seeing the most detrimental part which was the sin part of it - the heart of the problem.  Flash forward to this time and I have known for a long time that my body needed healing so I could become pregnant again and my husband and my mom have both pleaded for me to gain weight.  I did try to gain weight, but there is a difference in trying and pursuing an outcome with desperation.  However, when God started convicting me again, I KNEW that this time was more serious.  As I have said before, I don't think I had ever experienced such a heavy, restricting, suffocating conviction in my life.  I know that God means business and that this is likely it for me...my last chance to stand up and fight against the devil and his stronghold on me.  If I don't, God's plan will come to fruition and He would likely lay a big dose of humility on me in a way that I would not want.  So since I know in my heart that this is serious and that I am engaged in a spiritual WAR, I am treading on down this painful path in the faith that I will be delivered; the enemy will get off my back; and I will fulfill my purpose.  I have faith that I will have more babies. On my own. No intervention. I really feel that fertility treatments would not even be successful another time around because God has shown me what is necessary.  Here I am now, not knowing what is next...not knowing when I will be able to pop in an exercise video or swipe my key at the gym.  Maybe I can't exercise until I get to the point that I don't care whether I do or not...or maybe it is until a day without exercise doesn't make me feel like a hippo...or when this doesn't hurt anymore and I don't care what people think.  Hypothetically, let us say that I don't exercise for a long time, so then what does that mean for diet??  At what point can I quit eating to gain?  When can I quit gaining and when will my body be healed enough to run off of hunger cues rather than schedule or a meal plan?  There are so many ?'s and no one can give me the answers.  I am a planner.  I don't like the unknown.  I am a question asker and an answer seeker.  I am an analyzer.  I am lost here. I am painfully lost and feel pretty fluffy while fumbling around with this blindfold on.

Another thing I don't understand is how I have gotten down to my lowest weight this time around but look bigger than I did in the past.  I can look back at when I was seeing the dietician and see that at one point I was skinny.  Why do I look bigger now at an even lower weight?  Will I ever know if I see myself correctly?  I think I do, but my husband tells me I don't.  This is confusing.

My best friend sent me a Bible study the other day.  She literally took pictures of every page and emailed it to me.  She knew what I needed and she was right.  I felt like Beth Moore had written that specific chapter especially for me.  Below I will write out a few quotes that stood out.  I have also typed out some of the prayers to tape around the house.  I read the nine pages and was so encouraged and motivated.  It was a great morning, followed by a very low low.  That baffled me, but as I was reminded how the devil previously could leave me on my own because I was not seeking freedom, it makes sense that he will attack each time I take a step forward.  He does not want me to be free from bondage, fulfill my purpose, and he definitely does not want my husband and I to bear more children.  The more godly seed brought up in this world increases the army of Christ and thwarts Satan's plans (as if his plans mean anything in the first place.)  I just wonder, though, if each step forward leads to my falling down two steps, will I ever reach the top?

"The Peace of God is distant when we refuse to bow a part of our lives to His rule.  Christ brings His peace where He is Prince."

I have refused to bow this part of my life to Him and have not found peace no matter my size, weight or body fat.  I want Him to be Prince of my life...not just the parts I don't care to let go.  I guess I have felt that I can do a better job with this part so I have kept it and tried to control it only to be unhappy and unsatisfied and infertile.

"Our physical bodies are gifts from God, gut when they control us, the result is bondage."

Living testimony right here...

"Through the might of His Holy Spirit released through the authority of his Word, we are empowered to say no to the things we should - to our excesses, withholdings, compulsions and harmful consumptions - and say yes to freedom, moderation, and better health."

Words that rang a bell - COMPULSIONS, FREEDOM, MODERATION, BETTER HEALTH

"Give yourself up to God, to the authority of His Holy Spirit."

Feeling Scatterbrained

I have a lot tossing around in my head right now so I will apologize in advance for the rambling that is about to take place.  Through conversations over the past couple of days, my mind has gone off on several different trains of thought.  I will start with one and see how it goes.  

I was thinking about the concept of letting go.  God does not want me to be in bondage and if I am, it is because I am keeping myself there.  He is big enough to free me from it, but He isn't going to if I am unwilling...which circles back to my need to let go.  Through abstaining from exercise for the time of the Bible study while still eating gobs of food, I appear to have let go.  However, all of this is so hard which is evidence that I am not freed from it so I must still be hanging on.  Then I wonder if I am doing something wrong.  Is there something that I am missing or is letting go just a process?  Is it one of those things that you have to choose to let go by actions first and the rest will eventually follow??  My mind has been programmed to think this way and I know that it will take a while to re-program it.  This will be quite a challenge in this world that we live in.  Society views weight gain as a negative thing so I can't shake the guilt of purposely gaining weight.  Furthermore, I am surrounded by people (tv, real life, magazines) who are all trying to be skinnier and fitter.  It is obvious that the majority of the world puts too much value in these things.  Being around this is not good for me.  For instance, a sober alcoholic cannot go to a bar or hang out with friends who are drinking.  It is not good for him/her and will only make things harder.  I need to surround myself with godly women, especially mommies. Honestly, there are not very many that I know that are really trying to live out what the Bible says about being a godly mother and that put value in the right places.  I do desire to be one of those women, though.  At the same time, I find myself caring what the rest of the population thinks...the people who have misconstrued views of what is important.  I don't know why I care.  Maybe partly it saddens me because I see that they are misguided as I have been for so very long.  On the other hand, I think I care because of that little fleshly trait called pride.  As I have eluded to in other posts, I was once one of those girls in the gym that had a very muscular and lean physique.  That was college.  I am no longer in college. I am not that person anymore and no one views me that way.   It takes a whole lot of time and dedication to be that, and while I have all of the dedication one would need, time I do not have.  I would have to attend the gym to lift multiple times a week, every week.  I cannot do this.  I have a child and I am not going to leave him in gym day care.  I am not saying there is anything wrong with gym day care; but I am saying that things specific to my child and specific to me as a parent have made me decide that I will not do it.  If I decide I am comfortable with it when he gets older, I will probably have another small one that I won't leave there.  My parenting choices are another subject so moving on...SO if I won't leave him in daycare and my husband can only watch him for me to go once a week (only most weeks) and my mom lives too far away then going to the gym that often is not feasible.  Then there comes the strict diet I would have to be on to put on the muscle.  By strict, I mean enough calories to feed my baby, sustain me and then put on muscle...and even then I would be back in the same boat because where is the fuel for things like a reproductive cycle?? I believe I have made my point.  I am at a different place in my life that demands different things if I want to be the godly mother God has called me to be.  I am no longer the girl I was in college, not physically or spiritually.  Being the over compensator that I am, when I saw I couldn't gain back the muscle and maintain it, I shifted to intense workouts with high rep lifting which are things I can do at home.  I traded muscular and lean for skinny and lean.  While I am abstaining from exercising, it is so tempting to compensate again with my fall back area - eating.  I would like to restrict, but I can't.  When I look back at all of this, I see myself as someone who is so confused.  It is like I am blind folded and grasping for whatever I can control.  I am holding on to the idea of the fit person I used to be.  I have over-trained myself to unhealthy status so an idea is all it is.  I have to give up that idea.  I need to do what I need to do to be healthy. I need to be a godly woman who can enjoy moderate exercise to be healthy without taking it to extremes or valuing it too greatly.  Who know...maybe the results won't be so bad.  If I suck it up and just get there, maybe I won't hate what I see plus I will be a lot happier...Just maybe...

Random thought: Since when did healthy become a bad thing?

It was suggested to me that I fill out index cards with truths to read to combat those thoughts that are so programmed in my head.  Please share with me if you have any.  It can be a Bible verse, a quote or even some of your own wisdom.  I need help with this!!